tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11747215891396470072024-03-12T16:38:02.727-07:00Bipolar AlcoholicIt is generally believed that many of those with bipolar disorder also struggle with alcoholism or substance abuse. Researchers, as well as many of those caught in the cycle of addiction, believe the use of these substances is an attempt to alleviate symptoms or to "self-medicate."Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.comBlogger71125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-20088736107192152152017-08-26T06:37:00.000-07:002017-08-26T06:37:13.213-07:00Writing a bookI've been thinking about this for some time. My life seems rather interesting, but would anyone really want to read about it?<br />
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I would like to write about the struggles with mental disorders, alcoholism, and grief.</div>
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Maybe it could help someone or atleast make others aware of what its like.</div>
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Hmmm</div>
Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-49897206372155916662016-07-04T08:08:00.001-07:002016-07-04T08:08:37.769-07:00Staying BusyA little over a month ago I accepted a job at the animal shelter I have been volunteering at for a few years. I hadn't been interested in going to work for them until recently when I realized having too much time on my hands is dangerous.<div><br><div>Its been over four months now since my brother has passed. The first month I know I was in a depression because I slept a lot and ate a lot. I allowed myself that comfort with the feeling of entitlement.</div><div><br></div><div>About 2 months ago I believe is when I started snapping out of it and realizing if I dont do something with my time this could continue much longer.</div><div>Im not saying its bad to grieve; I still think of my brother every day. Its just I know he wouldnt want me lying in bed all day crying and imagining what if scenarios.</div></div><div><br></div><div>This new job is bringing me much needed joy in my life.</div>Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-38747782688508652502016-04-10T14:31:00.002-07:002016-04-10T14:31:47.733-07:00Anger and Sadness in GriefThere are a lot of things going through my mind lately.<br />
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My younger brother passed away on Valentines Day due to alcoholism. He struggled with it even more than I have and could not stop. <br />
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I miss him so much for so many reasons. If anyone could truly understand me it was him. Days go by and I think if only Bryan were here he would understand.<br />
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I am living this life of bipolar, addiction, and despair. Now more than ever loneliness has crept in and defeated my resolve. Anger has been mixed with sadness. Hate with love. Memories keep flooding in and creating a sad longing for old times. <br />
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When all is said and done I guess I have to keep on living for others in my life. I don't want to do anything sometimes. I want to drown my sorrows in alcohol, but what good will that do.Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-14790703966582353652015-10-01T11:23:00.001-07:002015-10-01T11:23:12.451-07:00Long time no write... Its been over a year since I "blogged". I just haven't felt the need to. I started this blog as a therapy for myself knowing that hardly anyone would read it but if they did maybe it would help someone. <div> Ive had a rough year so far. After over 3 years of sobriety I drank again and got myself into some trouble. An accident, DUI, and child endangerment charges. $10000 just for a lawyer and much more for court fees classes and therapy. Everyone wants their money. No one was hurt in the accident, but my 5 year old son was in the car so I have been explaining to him with the best of my ability the negative impact of alcohol.</div><div> As if that wasn't enough there have been even more problems in my marriage and family.</div><div> 2004 was a horrible year for me, but this one is creeping up as a close second.</div><div> One bright side is I was able to go on my trip to Europe with my BFF. We went to Paris then Rome. It was amazingly beautiful! The trip was tainted by my recent DUI and jail experience, but I was still able to enjoy.</div><div> I am now going to a We Agnostic AA meeting I found which has been so helpful. I found a sponsor who is agnostic as well and working the steps with me without the god crap.</div><div> Recently Ive been having some struggles with a client of mine, Im a pet sitter and their dog is slowly starving to death because of an underlying digestive condition. Last time I cared for him I took him to the vet because he was severely dehydrated. They spent around $500 for diagnostics and treatment which I realize is a lot but when your an animal owner these things happen and you are responsible. I didn't see him for a month and yesterday just started caring for him again. He is much worse off, very skinny and wont even go for a walk. The owner is refusing to spend any more money at the vet unless he's in "pain". He is literally starving!!! I cant stand it.</div><div> I don't know what to do.</div>Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-16710131481053063092014-04-10T15:22:00.001-07:002014-04-10T15:22:35.503-07:00Religious Donations So this post may seem a bit greedy and angry, but I don't care because it addresses a serious problem I have with religions in general.<br />
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My grandpa passed away recently and my uncle and dad had an estate sale. They received $3600 from the items remaining in his house. $1000 of it was given to my older brother for a Christian mission he will be going on this summer to Mexico. The other $2600 was donated to the huge ass church my grandpa attended. Now, I do realize this is something my grandpa would have wanted, but I believe it is completely wrong.<br />
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For one thing this church has at least 5000+ members who frequently donate money. The church itself is extravagant; this is one of my major problems with churches and religions. They say that their main purpose is to do charitable acts and spread the "word" of god. Why then do they spend millions on enormous churches where people attend, instead of putting the money to those who need it! I just know the $2600 they received from my family went straight to a fund to purchase more big screen tv's!<br />
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The other thing that upsets me is there are 4 grandchildren; why did my brother receive $1000? It is because he is going on a mission to share the beliefs of my family, excluding me. The money should have been distributed evenly.<br />
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Part of what worries me is pure selfishness I know, but the house my grandpa owned is going to be put up for sale. My religious family will distribute the money according to their misguided beliefs. <br />
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Religion blinds people into giving away money that should be given to those who need it. Just look at the rich evangelists that exist in the Christian religion alone....<a href="http://www.therichest.com/celebnetworth/category/celeb/televangelists/" target="_blank">rich pastors</a><br />
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My family is not starving and has shelter, so yes I do not need the money myself; although it would help because we are not well off either. But I tell you there are plenty of others who need it other than large, indoctrinating superstructures!<br />
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Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-54113250090245642082014-01-22T11:34:00.001-08:002014-01-22T13:34:11.061-08:0010 years I was thinking about it the other day that it's been 10 years now since that horrible year of my bipolar struggle. I entered the Air Force in February 2004 and had my manic break down in April 2 months later. <div> So much has changed since then. 2004 was the worst year of my life to date. But even though it was hard it really only took one year to become mostly stable. Which I am fortunate because I know it takes some people much longer to find a medication that works. I got a psychiatrist that was experienced and changed my life more than he will ever know; I sadly cannot tell him since he passed away in 2006. </div><div> My brother is one of those struggling with finding a medication that works and finding stability. He does not feel that relief and stops taking the medications causing a downfall and a restart in his recovery. I try and help him with my story, but I out of most people understand he is not comprehending<font face="UICTFontTextStyleBody"> </font><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">or accepting anything I say. He has not found a decent psychiatrist either which can help him through this time. It's very frustrating seeing him struggle and be tormented for over 6 years with what I went through in one.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> I am so thankful for those who have helped me over the years gain this "normal", happy life and hope my brother and others can find it too.</span></div>Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-54781376178812810722013-09-06T10:40:00.002-07:002013-09-06T10:44:55.961-07:00What I Remember...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuY9YtX-8E-jJqPOhISK8EmoQyN3RNUdrz00Dlg38z6pN4K0phPYjI3c-g5RCcSABsOSEjcWevSwwk4Dc1cMtjeQ9xsTu-JMtojbdCQlUKIEbasAtvG1s6Xoehxhqy6-7trWR8fc-HAtqA/s1600/iStock_000014495290XSmall.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="138" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuY9YtX-8E-jJqPOhISK8EmoQyN3RNUdrz00Dlg38z6pN4K0phPYjI3c-g5RCcSABsOSEjcWevSwwk4Dc1cMtjeQ9xsTu-JMtojbdCQlUKIEbasAtvG1s6Xoehxhqy6-7trWR8fc-HAtqA/s200/iStock_000014495290XSmall.jpg" width="200" /></a> A while back I posted that I was going to write about how I was diagnosed and my manic experience that occurred when I was in the air force. There is a lot that is fuzzy and I don't remember, but I am going to try and document what I do know.<br />
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I believe it must have all started in my teen years. I've always been overly <i>emotional, </i>more on the manic side than anything. I suppressed it by drinking alcohol starting at the age of 17 and from then on at least every other weekend until I left for the air force at the age of 23. <br />
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In basic training I wasn't allowed access to alcohol for 8 weeks, so for 2 months I was without my self prescribed depressant causing an increase in my manic side. This led up to my episode that turned into hospitalization and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGSUhkBXP1j01qAgGnul8j_v539G1tV70N4wvkxfqUiT9RpRDjnW1Y9Y48FTbhEvmumjnVXZrFFflMI-RDwXzh1OYaFOHeZsqzuZF2nCfvE25MANnxr8bV9akPecljUNBA0ZwbwLi-_4GQ/s1600/AFlogo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="159" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGSUhkBXP1j01qAgGnul8j_v539G1tV70N4wvkxfqUiT9RpRDjnW1Y9Y48FTbhEvmumjnVXZrFFflMI-RDwXzh1OYaFOHeZsqzuZF2nCfvE25MANnxr8bV9akPecljUNBA0ZwbwLi-_4GQ/s200/AFlogo.jpg" width="200" /></a> So that is my generalized interpretation of what happened medically from what I've experienced and learned about my disorder over the years. Now for the specifics.<br />
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Well to start at the turning point, I left for basic training Feb 24, 2004. My mom, stepdad, and Chris (my boyfriend at the time) dropped me off at the hotel which was to be my last <i>free</i> night. I was happy with Chris probably because we were so alike at the time = goofballs. Anyways, that's another story. But I remember Chris walked me to my room and on the way we stopped in front of a mirror. I said we need to take a picture look how cute we are. He said we don't have a camera. I replied who needs one we can take a mental picture and I clicked our mental camera. I will never forget that picture. No matter what I've blocked out or forgotten, that picture will remain.<br />
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I was excited that night. My roommate was fun to talk to; we were both nervous little white girls getting ourselves into something we couldn't even imagine. She ended up being separated into a band flight at basic otherwise she would have been bunking with me. Longoria (L) another girl I befriended in San Diego did end up sharing a dorm with me. A dorm meaning 2 rooms filled with 26 girls. <br />
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It was so overwhelming getting on the plane and off onto a bus with men shouting orders at us. Lining up and following instructions in fear of standing out and being yelled at. Which I was singled out because I answered a supposed rhetorical question when no one else did while standing in formation. A very tall black man yelled at me inches from my face.<br />
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At that time, even with all the abnormal circumstances I still felt normal. I will continue with the starting of the abnormal feelings in my next post.Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-36399807709531198102013-08-03T23:49:00.002-07:002013-08-03T23:49:36.689-07:00I'm ObsessedOk...it's late, I'm tired, and I can't stop editing my blog page. I keep wanting to change the design and am not satisfied. This is how I am leaving it for now...<br />
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I am working with a psychiatrist on lowering one of my medications...it's been one week and I seem to be doing well. It is the anti-depressant I am coming off of and I don't feel too down. <br />
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My motto is to be on the least amount of medication possible, while staying stable. I know not to completely come off everything, but am wise enough to know excessive amounts can be bad.<br />
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I will write more later...hopefully!Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-42643635236652907952013-06-08T09:47:00.001-07:002013-06-08T09:47:46.641-07:00BBQ party dilemma Over the memorial day weekend we attended a barbecue at my husband's friend's place. Everyone was drinking...except the kids of course. It was probably one of the hardest experiences I've had since becoming sober. At first I was ok with the scenario and did my best to keep a positive outlook, but as time passed and people became more "friendlier" as the alcohol flourished it started to bother me. <br />
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I think the most intense feeling I had was jealousy. I was angry that all these people could drink and have fun, but I couldn't. Then when I saw my husband feeling buzzed and enjoying himself I got really angry. It wasn't fair! It's not that I wanted to drink, it was more I didn't want everyone else to drink. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWUavJ19PsXJNExybDJWUjWiJgO1bFhhDBBIXBh6JuofuJrumLYCX6fQjNpgKHacbYrbrncaCbHDTIRhHg1SXXkt0gzpCmxlSFiOxclB3isr76cli9CoUCVmoeohb1-UFwvu034Fi-66qP/s1600/flip-cup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="113" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWUavJ19PsXJNExybDJWUjWiJgO1bFhhDBBIXBh6JuofuJrumLYCX6fQjNpgKHacbYrbrncaCbHDTIRhHg1SXXkt0gzpCmxlSFiOxclB3isr76cli9CoUCVmoeohb1-UFwvu034Fi-66qP/s200/flip-cup.jpg" width="200" /></a> There was a game they were playing called flip cup that looked really fun. I didn't play because I wasn't drinking, but I really wanted to. Finally, after about 3 hours I told my husband I wanted to go home. Just as we were about to leave they invited him to play the flip cup game. He asked me if I would cheer him on, knowing full well that I wanted to play that game but couldn't. I know he wasn't thinking clearly, but come on! I was pissed. I went inside and waited for him to finish. All the way home I was about to explode with anger.<br />
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Looking back I now see some things I could have done differently. I could have played the flip cup game with a non-alcoholic drink. I could just avoid those parties altogether. I'm sure as time passes these type of events will get easier, but still deep down inside I think I will always have a bitterness towards people who are drinking and having fun.Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-74572462003615906712013-04-23T10:36:00.000-07:002013-04-23T10:36:06.099-07:00Priorities I think one of the things that frustrates me the most about some religious people is their idea that god needs to be their number one priority. I've heard it over and over in weddings where the minister states that the couple must put god first before each other and then their marriage will succeed...that is such bull shit. When people get married they should put their spouse as their number one priority. No wonder so many people get divorced!<br />
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Then when people have children the child should become their number one priority. If you take some mystical being that isn't even physically there and put him/ her/ it as the number one priority then things become unreal. Well the husband could say, "god told me to go to the baseball game and I am putting him first above all, even you!" Or the wife could say, "god told me to not cook anymore because it is against his will, blah, blah, blah!" It is so stupid to think that people would rely on something that can be created in one's mind so easily.<br />
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I must go now because god told me to go eat ice cream...bye bye!Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-78698910207857577902013-04-11T15:45:00.002-07:002013-04-11T15:46:11.082-07:00Kid Free I am one of the few privileged to be a stay at home mom. I never imagined this life for me, but I am enjoying it. Although, there are times that I need a BREAK! My mom lives about 1.5 hours away and loves watching my son. This week he stayed at her house for 2 nights...it was nice. The problem is she is going back to work full time soon and won't be able to watch him like she has been. <br />
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He started preschool back in January and attends 2 days a week for 2 hours; it's a small break that does help. The thing is people who have jobs, like my husband, get days off; as a stay at home mom/ housekeeper, I rarely do. Sometimes I feel like I am going to go crazy; especially on the days where my son is truly acting up. Some days it's not that he's acting any different it's just my tolerance level is lower than normal...that's when I know it's time for a break. Occasionally, my husband lets me have alone time on weekends while he takes our squirt out for the day and that helps. <br />
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I know it won't be long until he is in school full time so I am trying to enjoy my time with him while I have it. I shall take deep breaths and remember this time is short!Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-51519607662268137472013-01-04T00:18:00.002-08:002013-01-04T00:18:15.724-08:00Haven't written in FOREVER!I know, I know. It's been awhile. Well here I am, unable to sleep with a gazillion things on my mind. Well not actually a gazillion, but one major issue: going back to work. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghuuF8NmAQLA9xl45By3MGxei1MBSs4czv25EEPSUYPWd49dUvn_1I2ZRrkhoZq_6l-ExfL22kjshnErg9P8SZMEFO8Vl1e7FANVBO2HaG9z19Olqh4pf5qk0uRXgSNVWWKF3v9M6Tq9Q_/s1600/anxious.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="162" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghuuF8NmAQLA9xl45By3MGxei1MBSs4czv25EEPSUYPWd49dUvn_1I2ZRrkhoZq_6l-ExfL22kjshnErg9P8SZMEFO8Vl1e7FANVBO2HaG9z19Olqh4pf5qk0uRXgSNVWWKF3v9M6Tq9Q_/s200/anxious.jpg" width="200" /></a>A while back I wrote on how social security was reevaluating my disability; I haven't officially received the notice, but I am pretty sure I have been denied considering they did not deposit my monthly payment into my bank account. I am broke; not technically because my husband has an income, but it makes me feel inadequate. <br />
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My major concern is finding a job and keeping it. My last experience was a bust; getting fired before my 90 days were up. I'm scared. I haven't ever felt this way about obtaining a job, but since I've waited so long since the firing issue my fear has built up over time. <br />
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I should have just got right back in the saddle again, but my husband and I agreed I should try to obtain my disability again because working was so stressful on me. <br />
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As I sit here eating my chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream, I wonder can I do this? Or will the stress push me over the edge? Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-61510753414351415022012-09-30T12:04:00.002-07:002012-09-30T12:04:28.842-07:00Not fair!It's so frustrating having this desire to drink when I'm upset and knowing that it will just lead me to a downward spiral of idiotic behavior. The part that is the most frustrating is watching other people, such as on television, going through difficult times and seeing them turn to drinking and it being fantasized as a solution. It makes me think why can they do it and not me? It's not fair!<br />
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I need to realize it's an outlet for some people who can handle it. I can't handle it; so I need other outlets. Blogging is one of them...punching my pillow is another ;-)<br />
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My frustration today...my husband was going to a baseball game with some friends and I had somewhat of an idea what time they were leaving because I knew what time the game started. But, all of a sudden he said he had to leave like an hour earlier, which totally screwed with my idea of what was going to go down. I wanted him to help me cut our sons hair while he did his then have them shower together to get him clean, which did not happen. <br />
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Oh well...I'm gonna take our son to the beach...gotta get out of this house!Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-3664062170156825722012-07-30T10:28:00.000-07:002012-07-30T10:28:57.171-07:002004A very trying and disturbing year of my life.<br />
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In my hand written journal, prior to my blog, I started writing about what I remembered from that year I was diagnosed bipolar. There is a lot I don't remember; it's a huge blur, but when I do remember something I try to write it down.<br />
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It started in February when I joined the Air Force. It all went downhill after that. I am going to transcribe what I have written so far in my journal, which will hopefully allow me to recall more of what happened that unsettling year.Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-75798430036915016232012-06-21T14:55:00.000-07:002012-06-21T14:55:08.388-07:00So ConfusedI really don't know what to do. The big question is...am I disabled and unable to work? <br />
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Being bipolar, sometimes I don't know what mental problems I'm experiencing are contributed to this or just natural aging or stress. I know my mind does not function like a "normal" person's, but to what extent?<br />
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The reason I am having this confusion is because my disability income ended due to the fact that they consider me no longer disabled. They came to this conclusion because I had accumulated so many months of substantial employment. The most recent being the job I worked for less than 90 days that fired me for not progressing according to their expectations. I hadn't worked for over 2 years prior to this job.<br />
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I went ahead and decided to reapply for my benefits. I was at the social security office practically all day today. The whole time I had an internal debate occurring on whether I am still disabled or not.<br />
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I still take medications for being bipolar and I know if not on these medications I would be severely unstable. While on the medications though, I am able to function as a normal member of society. I have been able to take care of my son and raise him for almost 3 years now. There are moments when I feel I am short tempered, but most people are when raising a toddler. <br />
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When trying to go back to work I felt extremely stressed. When I was put in a situation where I had to preform my technical skills there were moments I felt inadequate. I am inexperienced and need more training, but I feel almost untrainable because I didn't pick up the skills I should have over a 3 month period. <br />
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So the big question...is this struggle of going back to work due to my disability, a need for more training, or normal stress? Arrrrgh!Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-7966924806795087772012-06-12T09:06:00.001-07:002012-06-12T09:06:55.168-07:00Almost Made it to a YearI fucked up! <br />
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So last friday I was fired right before I hit my 90 day probation period. They said my skill level wasn't what they expected and thought I should be farther along than I was after 3 months. I was crushed. I knew I wasn't progressing like I expected for myself, but to hear someone else say it was like being punched in the stomach and slapped in the face at the same time.<br />
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I left and immediately reverted to my old way of thinking...I want to numb my feelings and not think about it. I tried calling a couple people, but did not have all the phone numbers I should have programmed in my phone (I do now). Since no one answered I headed straight to the liquor store and bought a pint of vodka. I went home and made a drink. My husband ended up calling me back and told me to do what I was already thinking of doing...dumping the rest of the bottle out. I did and fortunately did not get wasted like I planned.<br />
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I still felt like shit, but at least I didn't get hungover and vomit all over myself like the last time I got drunk.<br />
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New sobriety date = 06-09-2012Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-13077394389723842752012-06-05T19:47:00.002-07:002012-06-05T19:47:38.416-07:00A Mantra for Myself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbnueN6OCQv7Lr9xlBnkkAUmJPNjDvnqpiDQ2UlHZtAbCSrFDiNtv0uH4al-WSrRbKuI4C9Udvd_vw3LHYDoUa6dtqjadFZNNLKyI55HRZzWOFduJ-vTWpdwtNSfvm3EFslv5-kqU1Ktzp/s1600/mantra-circle.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbnueN6OCQv7Lr9xlBnkkAUmJPNjDvnqpiDQ2UlHZtAbCSrFDiNtv0uH4al-WSrRbKuI4C9Udvd_vw3LHYDoUa6dtqjadFZNNLKyI55HRZzWOFduJ-vTWpdwtNSfvm3EFslv5-kqU1Ktzp/s200/mantra-circle.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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I will try to do my best in everything I do. </div>
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I am not perfect and will make mistakes.</div>
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No matter what, everything will be ok.</div>Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-61466778392187683892012-05-31T21:24:00.003-07:002012-05-31T21:24:31.757-07:00EfficiencyI am about to approach my 90 day probationary period for my new job. This is the first job I've had since I became pregnant with my son almost 3 years ago. At my hire date I felt confident that my skills would be up to par by this time, but right now I feel that expectation hasn't been met. <br />
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As far as improvement with knowing the computer program and what the doctor wants (I'm a vet technician) there has been some. But when it comes to my technical skills I feel like I haven't progressed like I wanted. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but the doctor I work with doesn't let me do very much when the other technicians are around. She just wants the job done quickly. How am I supposed to get efficient at anything if I don't get the experience!?!?!?!<br />
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Today I just wanted to take off on my lunch break and not come back. There is this camaraderie between the doctor and employees because she's worked with them so long. There is a point I hope will come where I feel a part of it, but I thought I would be there by now. I am only part time so maybe it will take a bit longer to establish it. All I know is I have to try not to be too hard on myself like I've done in the past. Lighten up and remember it's just a job.Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-67672569985520734642012-05-07T14:43:00.001-07:002012-05-07T14:43:22.917-07:00The DentistThe last time I went to the dentist was when I was pregnant with my son three years ago. Three weeks ago I went for a checkup. They recommended $1400 worth of work and that's the part my insurance doesn't cover. Ha! It's ridiculous, but I did it because if I wait my teeth could get worse and more expensive. <br />
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So last week I had my right side done and today my left side. A total of 10 fillings, a cleaning, antibiotic packing, and irrigation (whatever that is) and I am fixed. It was so awkward sitting there while the dentist and technician worked on my mouth. I forget to hold my mouth open after a while and they have to remind me. They have this suction thing that stays in and hooks on the side of my mouth, along with the one the technician is holding. Then there's the drill! Arrgh, I hate it!<br />
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I get to go back in 6 months, I can't wait.Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-87375926047848496382012-05-02T21:38:00.000-07:002012-05-02T21:42:58.184-07:00SurvivingWell I decided to alter my antidepressant so I am taking a lower dose every other day. I just started last Saturday, but the past couple days I have been extremely tired. I think it is because I caught a bug or something because it is too soon for the medication adjustment to be kicking in; plus I am not experiencing any other signs of depression. Who knows?<br />
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I hate being this tired though; I've been going to bed right around the time my 2 year old son does. The only reason I am awake right now is because when my husband got home I took a nap! I've always loved to sleep because my dreams are always so intense. <br />
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Well off to bed I go! Everyone sleep tight!<br />
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<a href="http://nationaldayofreason.org/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: none; color: black;"></span></a><a href="http://nationaldayofreason.org/">http://nationaldayofreason.org/</a></div>
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<br /></div>Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-44962932685969867692012-04-22T01:19:00.000-07:002012-04-22T01:19:21.653-07:00Mania or just a joy for life?I recently went back to work after 2 1/2 years of staying at home with my son. It is giving me a new sense of pride and satisfaction I haven't felt in a long time.<br />
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Being bipolar, I am constantly keeping my feelings and emotions in check. If they get out of control it can send me on a downward spiral like it has in the past.<br />
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The problem recently is I've been on a high; being able to take care of numerous things quicker than normal, occasionally having a hard time falling asleep, and having a sense of overall positive attitude no matter what. I've also been inpatient with my son more than usual, but that could be because he's in his terrible twos. <br />
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One of the medications I'm on is an anti-depressant that my doctor put me on several years ago because I was in a deep depression. Over the years I have lowered the strength that I've been on. My most recent psychiatrist noted that he would like to take me off it completely; in fact he lowered my dosage on the anti-depressant and upped my mood stabilizer. A couple weeks after that, I noticed I was feeling signs of depression. I decided to go back up to the strength of antidepressant I was on. My reasoning behind adjusting my own meds is that I know my emotions best and can judge whether I am needing an adjustment or not.<br />
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Which brings me to my question...are my feelings of elation due to the new change in my life? And if so, should I lower my antidepressant to alter it. It's nice being on somewhat of a high, but that is what leads us bipolar's into trouble.Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-43360530319834349242012-04-09T16:14:00.001-07:002012-04-09T16:14:12.046-07:00Doctor day<div><p>Well I'm sitting waiting at the doctors for my two year old son who has been sick with a "cold" for over a week now. I'm worried its something more serious but I have a feeling there's not much they are going to be able to do.<br>
Earlier today the kid and I were waiting at my doctors because on Saturday I "threw my back out"...whatever that means. All I know is its paralyzing where I don't even want to move for fear of the pinching sharp pain to return to my lower back. <br>
We had a big weekend too, which made it even worse that this happened. I hurt myself Saturday morning while we were packing because we were going to drop off my son at my moms for the night while we went to a surprise birthday party for my cousin. Before all that though we drove up to my husbands parents to visit his sister and her clan. Its my husbands nephew and neices birthday this month. So after that we headed down to my moms, then to the party, and then to my grandmas for the night. The next day everyone gathered at my grandmas for Easter fun. My son was the only kid so he got spoiled. It was so great to watch him color eggs, find, and then hide them.<br>
My mom was stoked that I agreed she could bring Luke to her church Easter morning because she was going to have him at her house. I didn't think it was fair that she miss her church service just because she was watching him. I told her it was OK because I don't think he could be brainwashed or indoctrinated on just one occasion. But it will most likely not happen again any time soon.<br>
Still waiting at the doctors...hope they can help my little one.</p>
</div>Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-286275663268789822012-03-23T21:15:00.000-07:002012-03-23T21:15:52.115-07:00AdjustmentIt's been two weeks now since I started my new job. I only work 3 days a week, but I tell you that is enough for now. <br />
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My son is having to adjust to daycare, which he is having some trouble with. Every morning he has said he doesn't want to go and I have to convince him he'll have fun. Last friday was the worst though; he threw a full blown fit, kicking and screaming bloody murder and I had to carry him to the car. It was rough. I tried asking him if it was someone or something that he didn't like at daycare, but he said no he just didn't want to go. I think he just needs to adjust.<br />
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Just like me going back to work; it's been crazy trying to get back into the flow of things. I am feeling improvement and I hope they are noticing. When I was hired we made an agreement of a starting pay rate and after 3 months that would go up; I think in 3 months I will deserve that raise!Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-48145912917318709682012-03-09T08:42:00.000-08:002012-03-09T08:42:02.700-08:00Back to the working worldToday, amazingly, I was offered two jobs. I've been job searching for a couple weeks, had 3 interviews, two of which asked me back for working interviews. I was lucky enough to be able to choose the one I wanted. <br />
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The one I chose was not just because it was offering more money, although that was part of the decision, it was mainly because they send their employees to continuing education seminars and lectures. Another bonus is they asked me what days I want to work, since I'm going back part time; the other job said they were going to only hire me for fridays and saturdays, I do not want to work every saturday!<br />
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I called the daycare my husband and I chose and made arrangements for our son to start next monday. It is amazing all the changes going on in our lives. I'm excited and nervous along with so many other emotions. <br />
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I wanted to go back just part time so I can adjust going back to work and still spend time with my son while he's young. Being bipolar there is always a chance any stress that occurs might cause a chemical reaction altering my state of mind. I also have to be mindful of maintaining my sobriety. In the past I have used alcohol to deal with stressful situations; I don't want to fall back into that pattern. At least I have outlets now to express my feelings through this blog and also through the meetings I attend. <br />
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Being aware of my diseases and keeping the recovery from them as a priority really helps keep me from slipping into a downward spiral.Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1174721589139647007.post-36296886177807966522012-03-02T14:02:00.002-08:002012-03-02T15:46:10.434-08:00Change, do I really want it?<div>Currently, I am a stay at home mom with a 2 1/2 year old son. My husband works and brings in a decent income and I recieve disability income while I'm not working due to being bipolar. The stress of going back to work might derail my stability, which is why social security allows a trial work period.<br />
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I am about to use that trial work period, but I need to obtain a job first. I've had one interview and will have another tommorrow. I've also submitted my resume to a few other places. I was so overwhelmed at that first interview; I hope only because I haven't interviewed in almost 4 years and that my future interviews will go better.<br />
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Along with having to find a job, we're having to find an affordable daycare for my son. Since I recieve a monthly income through disability, whatever job I get must make up for that and also cover daycare to make it worth going back to work. This alone makes me request a minimum salary from any job offer; which does not go over well with some employers.<br />
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So far the two daycares we've looked at have not impressed me. I'm probably expecting too much because I want it to be perfect for him and there's no such thing. A lot of daycares require him to be fully potty trained and he's not quite there yet.<br />
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All of this change is hard for me, but I want it. I think a part time adjustment period is necessary for both me and my son before we both go full time in a couple years. It's just so much easier to stay in the comfort zone of what is known, but that would not be good in the long run.</div>Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-:http://www.blogger.com/profile/03001926304433142898noreply@blogger.com0