What I Remember...

     A while back I posted that I was going to write about how I was diagnosed and my manic experience that occurred when I was in the air force.  There is a lot that is fuzzy and I don't remember, but I am going to try and document what I do know.

     I believe it must have all started in my teen years.  I've always been overly emotional, more on the manic side than anything.  I suppressed it by drinking alcohol starting at the age of 17 and from then on at least every other weekend until I left for the air force at the age of 23.

     In basic training I wasn't allowed access to alcohol for 8 weeks, so for 2 months I was without my self prescribed depressant causing an increase in my manic side.  This led up to my episode that turned into hospitalization and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

     So that is my generalized interpretation of what happened medically from what I've experienced and learned about my disorder over the years.  Now for the specifics.

     Well to start at the turning point, I left for basic training Feb 24, 2004.  My mom, stepdad, and Chris (my boyfriend at the time) dropped me off at the hotel which was to be my last free night.  I was happy with Chris probably because we were so alike at the time = goofballs.  Anyways, that's another story.  But I remember Chris walked me to my room and on the way we stopped in front of a mirror.  I said we need to take a picture look how cute we are.  He said we don't have a camera.  I replied who needs one we can take a mental picture and I clicked our mental camera.  I will never forget that picture.  No matter what I've blocked out or forgotten, that picture will remain.

     I was excited that night.  My roommate was fun to talk to; we were both nervous little white girls getting ourselves into something we couldn't even imagine.  She ended up being separated into a band flight at basic otherwise she would have been bunking with me.  Longoria (L) another girl I befriended in San Diego did end up sharing a dorm with me.  A dorm meaning 2 rooms filled with 26 girls.

     It was so overwhelming getting on the plane and off onto a bus with men shouting orders at us.  Lining up and following instructions in fear of standing out and being yelled at.  Which I was singled out because I answered a supposed rhetorical question when no one else did while standing in formation.  A very tall black man yelled at me inches from my face.

     At that time, even with all the abnormal circumstances I still felt normal.  I will continue with the starting of the abnormal feelings in my next post.

I'm Obsessed

Ok...it's late, I'm tired, and I can't stop editing my blog page.  I keep wanting to change the design and am not satisfied.  This is how I am leaving it for now...

I am working with a psychiatrist on lowering one of my medications...it's been one week and I seem to be doing well.  It is the anti-depressant I am coming off of and I don't feel too down.

My motto is to be on the least amount of medication possible, while staying stable.  I know not to completely come off everything, but am wise enough to know excessive amounts can be bad.

I will write more later...hopefully!

BBQ party dilemma

     Over the memorial day weekend we attended a barbecue at my husband's friend's place.  Everyone was drinking...except the kids of course.  It was probably one of the hardest experiences I've had since becoming sober.  At first I was ok with the scenario and did my best to keep a positive outlook, but as time passed and people became more "friendlier" as the alcohol flourished it started to bother me.

     I think the most intense feeling I had was jealousy.  I was angry that all these people could drink and have fun, but I couldn't.  Then when I saw my husband feeling buzzed and enjoying himself I got really angry.  It wasn't fair!  It's not that I wanted to drink, it was more I didn't want everyone else to drink.

     There was a game they were playing called flip cup that looked really fun.  I didn't play because I wasn't drinking, but I really wanted to.  Finally, after about 3 hours I told my husband I wanted to go home.  Just as we were about to leave they invited him to play the flip cup game.  He asked me if I would cheer him on, knowing full well that I wanted to play that game but couldn't.  I know he wasn't thinking clearly, but come on!  I was pissed.  I went inside and waited for him to finish.  All the way home I was about to explode with anger.

     Looking back I now see some things I could have done differently.  I could have played the flip cup game with a non-alcoholic drink.  I could just avoid those parties altogether.  I'm sure as time passes these type of events will get easier, but still deep down inside I think I will always have a bitterness towards people who are drinking and having fun.

Priorities

     I think one of the things that frustrates me the most about some religious people is their idea that god needs to be their number one priority.  I've heard it over and over in weddings where the minister states that the couple must put god first before each other and then their marriage will succeed...that is such bull shit.  When people get married they should put their spouse as their number one priority.  No wonder so many people get divorced!

     Then when people have children the child should become their number one priority.  If you take some mystical being that isn't even physically there and put him/ her/ it as the number one priority then things become unreal.  Well the husband could say, "god told me to go to the baseball game and I am putting him first above all, even you!"  Or the wife could say, "god told me to not cook anymore because it is against his will, blah, blah, blah!"  It is so stupid to think that people would rely on something that can be created in one's mind so easily.

     I must go now because god told me to go eat ice cream...bye bye!

Kid Free

     I am one of the few privileged to be a stay at home mom.  I never imagined this life for me, but I am enjoying it.  Although, there are times that I need a BREAK!  My mom lives about 1.5 hours away and loves watching my son.  This week he stayed at her house for 2 nights...it was nice.  The problem is she is going back to work full time soon and won't be able to watch him like she has been.

     He started preschool back in January and attends 2 days a week for 2 hours; it's a small break that does help.  The thing is people who have jobs, like my husband, get days off; as a stay at home mom/ housekeeper, I rarely do.  Sometimes I feel like I am going to go crazy; especially on the days where my son is truly acting up.  Some days it's not that he's acting any different it's just my tolerance level is lower than normal...that's when I know it's time for a break.  Occasionally, my husband lets me have alone time on weekends while he takes our squirt out for the day and that helps.

     I know it won't be long until he is in school full time so I am trying to enjoy my time with him while I have it.  I shall take deep breaths and remember this time is short!

Haven't written in FOREVER!

I know, I know.  It's been awhile.  Well here I am, unable to sleep with a gazillion things on my mind.  Well not actually a gazillion, but one major issue: going back to work.

A while back I wrote on how social security was reevaluating my disability; I haven't officially received the notice, but I am pretty sure I have been denied considering they did not deposit my monthly payment into my bank account.  I am broke; not technically because my husband has an income, but it makes me feel inadequate.
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My major concern is finding a job and keeping it.  My last experience was a bust; getting fired before my 90 days were up.  I'm scared.  I haven't ever felt this way about obtaining a job, but since I've waited so long since the firing issue my fear has built up over time.

I should have just got right back in the saddle again, but my husband and I agreed I should try to obtain my disability again because working was so stressful on me.

As I sit here eating my chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream, I wonder can I do this?  Or will the stress push me over the edge?