Blogging on the go...

I am at a McDonalds with my son attempting to wear him out so he'll take a good nap and then I can take a good nap.  Yes I do take naps because keeping up with a toddler 24/7 is tiring!  I dont care what anyone says, I've worked other jobs, being a full time mother and homemaker is the hardest job out there.  Especially when you have a son as stubborn as mine. 

The latest fight has been with him staying in bed for naps and bedtime. It was easy when he was in a crib...I miss those days.

I dont know if it's because I'm bipolar, the meds, or just my tolerance level but sometimes I really lose it.  My husband has to deal with him at night because after all day with him I'm done.

Oh well, they say to enjoy these days because they go by quick; I shall try.

Veterans Day

Today is a day we remember all those who served in the military and fought for our freedom; my husband is one of them.  He served in the army and went to Kuwait.

The hard part for me on this day of remembrance is the memory of my military experience.  I joined the Air Force in February 2004; I was really excited to see the world and make a difference.  By the age of 24, I had tried many paths to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  The military was my escape.

Unaware of my mental disorder I self medicated with alcohol throughout my early 20's.  This became unavailable for me when I entered the Air force and went into basic training.  I survived the 8 weeks of basic and entered tech school.

After a couple days into my tech training I had a huge manic episode.  I don't remember much but my mind was creating all sorts of crazy scenarios and being on an Air force base didn't help with my delusions.  They admitted me into the psych ward; my manic self thought I had supernatural powers and they were trying to evaluate me.  That was when I was diagnosed bipolar.  After a few weeks on medication and confinement I came down off my high and digested what was really happening...my dream was being taken away from me.

A medical discharge sent me back home to my parents.  Not knowing anything about my disorder I didn't follow up with a psychiatrist and stopped taking the medication they gave me.  Needless to say I went into a deep depression.  That's when I attempted suicide and almost died.

Even though I am better now 7 years later, it still stings like it was yesterday.  What if I had made it in the Air force?  Where would I be now?  I love my life, but there is always that what if.  The part that hurts the most is the rejection from the military.  Any type of rejection hurts, but this one was big.  I don't tell people that I am a veteran because I don't consider myself one.  On this day though I think about how I could have been.

Just one of those days where I want to kick somebody's ass!

I needed to go to the grocery store this morning so I told my son afterwards we would go to McDonalds so he could play.  We went to one I hadn't gone to before but looked like it had a cool play area.  After getting our yogurt and drinks we headed over to it.  It was closed and some man was cleaning it.  I think my face looked more disappointed than my sons.  I wanted to curse out the manager and tell him to clean the play area at night when no children are going to play in it; not at 10:30 am when toddlers need to expel some energy!!!

I held back my anger and we moved on to a park that I saw was close by.  It was located by a school, but there was a fence dividing the two.  My son was climbing and playing on the jungle gym when some lady yelled, "Mam, mam, you are not supposed to be over there!"  I yelled back," Isn't this a park?"  She said that during school hours no one is allowed to play at the park, not til after 2pm!  Really?!?!  I wanted to yell, scream, jump the fence, and slap her silly!  Instead I apologized and told her I was unaware of that rule.

As my son and I left I saw a sign with park rules and sure enough at the bottom it stated that the park is used by the school exclusively during school hours.

I gave up and took my son home and let him watch one of his favorite shows.

To think I curbed my temper twice within a matter of 1 hour astounds me.  A couple years ago this story would have gone a whole lot different.  I am not sure what has changed my willpower; it must have to be due to my son in some way, plus age makes us wiser right?  Or does my age make me weaker?

Bah Humbug

My husband and I were just figuring out the holiday season and how much it is going to cost us.  We struggle during all the other months of the year, but the holidays just make it impossible.  I know we could be worse off than we are, but the stress of it still hits us pretty hard.
I thought it would be a good idea to host thanksgiving this year; even though we live in a 1100 sq. ft. apartment.  My reasoning was we could get the holiday over with in one day, instead of having to drive to 2 different locations on different days.
My parents are divorced and the past few thanksgivings we haven't gotten together with my dads side of the family; we do on Christmas though.  So I only have my moms side of the family, which includes my mom, step-dad, brother, and grandma; only 4 people.  My husbands side has a bit more; his sister has produced 4 children with 3 different dads.  There is a 21 year old son who is now in a relationship and has a baby of his own, a 17 year old daughter whom we don't even know will show cuz she's always at her boyfriends, a 7 year old son, and a 2 year old son.  What's sad is our 2 year old gets along better with their 7 year old because he's so far advanced and their children are so far behind.
Let's just say it is going to be one interesting Thanksgiving in our cozy little apartment.  How are we going to all fit?!?!?!
The other question I have is, it's my home so can I get away with not saying grace because we are agnostic?  Everyone who is coming over is Christian.  Is there a way to not pray, but not offend my guests?

What does a bipolar person look like?

I had an appointment today with a psychiatric nurse practitioner.  She was one of the several psychiatrists/ therapists that have told me that I do not look like I am bipolar.  I am now wondering what is a bipolar person supposed to look like?
I don't really know anyone else who is bipolar...my brother is struggling with the symptoms, but has not been diagnosed.  He looks "normal" to me.
I decided to google "bipolar person" and these images are ones that popped up.

  Their expressions show emotion; maybe because I am stable on meds right now I look non-bipolar.  So tell me, what is a "bipolar person" supposed to look like?

Idiotic Parents

From what I've seen there are two extremes of parenting...
-the neglectful parent who ignores their child as they pull down everything off the shelves at the store
-and the overprotective parent who won't even let their child go down the slide at the park because there's a speck of dirt on it.
I fall somewhere in between and so do most other parents, but there are those occasional idiots.
The neglectful parents are the ones I really can't stand.  Today I took my son to a play place that has bouncers and slides that adults can play on too; there is one area for bigger kids that has a zip-line.  I make sure my son does not walk in there so he doesn't get kicked in the head.  You would think other parents would do the same.  Of course there was this one mom who watched her daughter walk into the area and instead of going in there to grab her she just called to her.  If your child does not respond and come to you when you first call, go get her you idiot!  I wanted to walk up to her and slap her silly.  In fact there have been several times I've wanted to go up to parents or their children and correct them.
Some people should just not be parents.

What makes me want to drink?

     I've been sober for over 30 days now and I am to the point where my mind tells me I need a drink.  I've never been one to drink every day.  The cravings usually come up for me about once a month.  I'll feel overwhelmed, anxious, and just in the "need" of a drink.  It's usually some stressor in my life that gives me the excuse to have a drink.
     If it was just one drink, I'd probably be ok; but I can't take just one drink.  I guess that is why I am an alcoholic.  When I set out to drink its to get so far drunk that I don't have to think or deal with anything.  Unfortunately, I usually do something stupid when I'm drunk which gives me more problems than I started with.
     So this is what makes me want to drink,
When...
1.  my son won't go to bed and I am butt tired and do not want to fight with him anymore.
2.  basically any time my son decides to be stubborn and I don't want to deal with him.
3.  I'm going to have to be in a social situation that makes me feel uncomfortable.
4.  I have to hang out with people I know are going to be boring.
5.  other people inflict rudeness and stupidity on me or in my life.
6.  other people around me are drinking and having fun.
7.  I can't go to sleep because my mind is wandering with too many thoughts.
8.  I see wine or beer on sale or displayed on the end caps in the store.

     Of course there are probably a thousand other reasons I have gotten drunk in the past, these are just a few recent ones.  Hope you enjoyed my woes...what are some of the reasons you get drunk?