BBQ party dilemma

     Over the memorial day weekend we attended a barbecue at my husband's friend's place.  Everyone was drinking...except the kids of course.  It was probably one of the hardest experiences I've had since becoming sober.  At first I was ok with the scenario and did my best to keep a positive outlook, but as time passed and people became more "friendlier" as the alcohol flourished it started to bother me.

     I think the most intense feeling I had was jealousy.  I was angry that all these people could drink and have fun, but I couldn't.  Then when I saw my husband feeling buzzed and enjoying himself I got really angry.  It wasn't fair!  It's not that I wanted to drink, it was more I didn't want everyone else to drink.

     There was a game they were playing called flip cup that looked really fun.  I didn't play because I wasn't drinking, but I really wanted to.  Finally, after about 3 hours I told my husband I wanted to go home.  Just as we were about to leave they invited him to play the flip cup game.  He asked me if I would cheer him on, knowing full well that I wanted to play that game but couldn't.  I know he wasn't thinking clearly, but come on!  I was pissed.  I went inside and waited for him to finish.  All the way home I was about to explode with anger.

     Looking back I now see some things I could have done differently.  I could have played the flip cup game with a non-alcoholic drink.  I could just avoid those parties altogether.  I'm sure as time passes these type of events will get easier, but still deep down inside I think I will always have a bitterness towards people who are drinking and having fun.

Priorities

     I think one of the things that frustrates me the most about some religious people is their idea that god needs to be their number one priority.  I've heard it over and over in weddings where the minister states that the couple must put god first before each other and then their marriage will succeed...that is such bull shit.  When people get married they should put their spouse as their number one priority.  No wonder so many people get divorced!

     Then when people have children the child should become their number one priority.  If you take some mystical being that isn't even physically there and put him/ her/ it as the number one priority then things become unreal.  Well the husband could say, "god told me to go to the baseball game and I am putting him first above all, even you!"  Or the wife could say, "god told me to not cook anymore because it is against his will, blah, blah, blah!"  It is so stupid to think that people would rely on something that can be created in one's mind so easily.

     I must go now because god told me to go eat ice cream...bye bye!

Kid Free

     I am one of the few privileged to be a stay at home mom.  I never imagined this life for me, but I am enjoying it.  Although, there are times that I need a BREAK!  My mom lives about 1.5 hours away and loves watching my son.  This week he stayed at her house for 2 nights...it was nice.  The problem is she is going back to work full time soon and won't be able to watch him like she has been.

     He started preschool back in January and attends 2 days a week for 2 hours; it's a small break that does help.  The thing is people who have jobs, like my husband, get days off; as a stay at home mom/ housekeeper, I rarely do.  Sometimes I feel like I am going to go crazy; especially on the days where my son is truly acting up.  Some days it's not that he's acting any different it's just my tolerance level is lower than normal...that's when I know it's time for a break.  Occasionally, my husband lets me have alone time on weekends while he takes our squirt out for the day and that helps.

     I know it won't be long until he is in school full time so I am trying to enjoy my time with him while I have it.  I shall take deep breaths and remember this time is short!

Haven't written in FOREVER!

I know, I know.  It's been awhile.  Well here I am, unable to sleep with a gazillion things on my mind.  Well not actually a gazillion, but one major issue: going back to work.

A while back I wrote on how social security was reevaluating my disability; I haven't officially received the notice, but I am pretty sure I have been denied considering they did not deposit my monthly payment into my bank account.  I am broke; not technically because my husband has an income, but it makes me feel inadequate.
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My major concern is finding a job and keeping it.  My last experience was a bust; getting fired before my 90 days were up.  I'm scared.  I haven't ever felt this way about obtaining a job, but since I've waited so long since the firing issue my fear has built up over time.

I should have just got right back in the saddle again, but my husband and I agreed I should try to obtain my disability again because working was so stressful on me.

As I sit here eating my chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream, I wonder can I do this?  Or will the stress push me over the edge?

Not fair!

It's so frustrating having this desire to drink when I'm upset and knowing that it will just lead me to a downward spiral of idiotic behavior.  The part that is the most frustrating is watching other people, such as on television, going through difficult times and seeing them turn to drinking and it being fantasized as a solution.  It makes me think why can they do it and not me?  It's not fair!

I need to realize it's an outlet for some people who can handle it.  I can't handle it; so I need other outlets.  Blogging is one of them...punching my pillow is another ;-)

My frustration today...my husband was going to a baseball game with some friends and I had somewhat of an idea what time they were leaving because I knew what time the game started.  But, all of a sudden he said he had to leave like an hour earlier, which totally screwed with my idea of what was going to go down.  I wanted him to help me cut our sons hair while he did his then have them shower together to get him clean, which did not happen.

Oh well...I'm gonna take our son to the beach...gotta get out of this house!

2004

A very trying and disturbing year of my life.

In my hand written journal, prior to my blog, I started writing about what I remembered from that year I was diagnosed bipolar.  There is a lot I don't remember; it's a huge blur, but when I do remember something I try to write it down.

It started in February when I joined the Air Force.  It all went downhill after that.  I am going to transcribe what I have written so far in my journal, which will hopefully allow me to recall more of what happened that unsettling year.

So Confused

I really don't know what to do.  The big question is...am I disabled and unable to work?

Being bipolar, sometimes I don't know what mental problems I'm experiencing are contributed to this or just natural aging or stress.  I know my mind does not function like a "normal" person's, but to what extent?

The reason I am having this confusion is because my disability income ended due to the fact that they consider me no longer disabled.  They came to this conclusion because I had accumulated so many months of substantial employment.  The most recent being the job I worked for less than 90 days that fired me for not progressing according to their expectations.  I hadn't worked for over 2 years prior to this job.

I went ahead and decided to reapply for my benefits.  I was at the social security office practically all day today.  The whole time I had an internal debate occurring on whether I am still disabled or not.

I still take medications for being bipolar and I know if not on these medications I would be severely unstable.  While on the medications though, I am able to function as a normal member of society.  I have been able to take care of my son and raise him for almost 3 years now.  There are moments when I feel I am short tempered, but most people are when raising a toddler.

When trying to go back to work I felt extremely stressed.  When I was put in a situation where I had to preform my technical skills there were moments I felt inadequate.  I am inexperienced and need more training, but I feel almost untrainable because I didn't pick up the skills I should have over a 3 month period.

So the big question...is this struggle of going back to work due to my disability, a need for more training, or normal stress?  Arrrrgh!