Writing a book

I've been thinking about this for some time. My life seems rather interesting, but would anyone really want to read about it?

I would like to write about the struggles with mental disorders, alcoholism, and grief.

Maybe it could help someone or atleast make others aware of what its like.

Hmmm

Staying Busy

A little over a month ago I accepted a job at the animal shelter I have been volunteering at for a few years. I hadn't been interested in going to work for them until recently when I realized having too much time on my hands is dangerous.

Its been over four months now since my brother has passed. The first month I know I was in a depression because I slept a lot and ate a lot. I allowed myself that comfort with the feeling of entitlement.

About 2 months ago I believe is when I started snapping out of it and realizing if I dont do something with my time this could continue much longer.

Im not saying its bad to grieve; I still think of my brother every day. Its just I know he wouldnt want me lying in bed all day crying and imagining what if scenarios.

This new job is bringing me much needed joy in my life.

Anger and Sadness in Grief

There are a lot of things going through my mind lately.

My younger brother passed away on Valentines Day due to alcoholism.  He struggled with it even more than I have and could not stop.

I miss him so much for so many reasons.  If anyone could truly understand me it was him.  Days go by and I think if only Bryan were here he would understand.

I am living this life of bipolar, addiction, and despair.  Now more than ever loneliness has crept in and defeated my resolve.  Anger has been mixed with sadness.  Hate with love.  Memories keep flooding in and creating a sad longing for old times.

When all is said and done I guess I have to keep on living for others in my life.  I don't want to do anything sometimes.  I want to drown my sorrows in alcohol, but what good will that do.

Long time no write...

     Its been over a year since I "blogged". I just haven't felt the need to. I started this blog as a therapy for myself knowing that hardly anyone would read it but if they did maybe it would help someone. 

     Ive had a rough year so far. After over 3 years of sobriety I drank again and got myself into some trouble. An accident, DUI, and child endangerment charges. $10000 just for a lawyer and much more for court fees classes and therapy. Everyone wants their money. No one was hurt in the accident, but my 5 year old son was in the car so I have been explaining to him with the best of my ability the negative impact of alcohol.

     As if that wasn't enough there have been even more problems in my marriage and family.

     2004 was a horrible year for me, but this one is creeping up as a close second.

     One bright side is I was able to go on my trip to Europe with my BFF. We went to Paris then Rome. It was amazingly beautiful! The trip was tainted by my recent DUI and jail experience, but I was still able to enjoy.

     I am now going to a We Agnostic AA meeting I found which has been so helpful. I found a sponsor who is agnostic as well and working the steps with me without the god crap.

     Recently Ive been having some struggles with a client of mine, Im a pet sitter and their dog is slowly starving to death because of an underlying digestive condition. Last time I cared for him I took him to the vet because he was severely dehydrated. They spent around $500 for diagnostics and treatment which I realize is a lot but when your an animal owner these things happen and you are responsible. I didn't see him for a month and yesterday just started caring for him again. He is much worse off, very skinny and wont even go for a walk. The owner is refusing to spend any more money at the vet unless he's in "pain". He is literally starving!!! I cant stand it.

 I don't know what to do.

Religious Donations

     So this post may seem a bit greedy and angry, but I don't care because it addresses a serious problem I have with religions in general.

     My grandpa passed away recently and my uncle and dad had an estate sale.  They received $3600 from the items remaining in his house.  $1000 of it was given to my older brother for a Christian mission he will be going on this summer to Mexico.  The other $2600 was donated to the huge ass church my grandpa attended.  Now, I do realize this is something my grandpa would have wanted, but I believe it is completely wrong.

     For one thing this church has at least 5000+ members who frequently donate money.  The church itself is extravagant; this is one of my major problems with churches and religions.  They say that their main purpose is to do charitable acts and spread the "word" of god.  Why then do they spend millions on enormous churches where people attend, instead of putting the money to those who need it!  I just know the $2600 they received from my family went straight to a fund to purchase more big screen tv's!

     The other thing that upsets me is there are 4 grandchildren; why did my brother receive $1000?  It is because he is going on a mission to share the beliefs of my family, excluding me.  The money should have been distributed evenly.

     Part of what worries me is pure selfishness I know, but the house my grandpa owned is going to be put up for sale.  My religious family will distribute the money according to their misguided beliefs.

     Religion blinds people into giving away money that should be given to those who need it.  Just look at the rich evangelists that exist in the Christian religion alone....rich pastors

     My family is not starving and has shelter, so yes I do not need the money myself; although it would help because we are not well off either.  But I tell you there are plenty of others who need it other than large, indoctrinating superstructures!

   

   
   

10 years

     I was thinking about it the other day that it's been 10 years now since that horrible year of my bipolar struggle.  I entered the Air Force in February 2004 and had my manic break down in April 2 months later. 

     So much has changed since then. 2004 was the worst year of my life to date.  But even though it was hard it really only took one year to become mostly stable.  Which I am fortunate because I know it takes some people much longer to find a medication that works.  I got a psychiatrist that was experienced and changed my life more than he will ever know; I sadly cannot tell him since he passed away in 2006. 

    My brother is one of those struggling with finding a medication that works and finding stability.  He does not feel that relief and stops taking the medications causing a downfall and a restart in his recovery.  I try and help him with my story, but I out of most people understand he is not comprehending or accepting anything I say.  He has not found a decent psychiatrist either which can help him through this time.  It's very frustrating seeing him struggle and be tormented for over 6 years with what I went through in one.

     I am so thankful for those who have helped me over the years gain this "normal", happy life and hope my brother and others can find it too.

What I Remember...

     A while back I posted that I was going to write about how I was diagnosed and my manic experience that occurred when I was in the air force.  There is a lot that is fuzzy and I don't remember, but I am going to try and document what I do know.

     I believe it must have all started in my teen years.  I've always been overly emotional, more on the manic side than anything.  I suppressed it by drinking alcohol starting at the age of 17 and from then on at least every other weekend until I left for the air force at the age of 23.

     In basic training I wasn't allowed access to alcohol for 8 weeks, so for 2 months I was without my self prescribed depressant causing an increase in my manic side.  This led up to my episode that turned into hospitalization and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

     So that is my generalized interpretation of what happened medically from what I've experienced and learned about my disorder over the years.  Now for the specifics.

     Well to start at the turning point, I left for basic training Feb 24, 2004.  My mom, stepdad, and Chris (my boyfriend at the time) dropped me off at the hotel which was to be my last free night.  I was happy with Chris probably because we were so alike at the time = goofballs.  Anyways, that's another story.  But I remember Chris walked me to my room and on the way we stopped in front of a mirror.  I said we need to take a picture look how cute we are.  He said we don't have a camera.  I replied who needs one we can take a mental picture and I clicked our mental camera.  I will never forget that picture.  No matter what I've blocked out or forgotten, that picture will remain.

     I was excited that night.  My roommate was fun to talk to; we were both nervous little white girls getting ourselves into something we couldn't even imagine.  She ended up being separated into a band flight at basic otherwise she would have been bunking with me.  Longoria (L) another girl I befriended in San Diego did end up sharing a dorm with me.  A dorm meaning 2 rooms filled with 26 girls.

     It was so overwhelming getting on the plane and off onto a bus with men shouting orders at us.  Lining up and following instructions in fear of standing out and being yelled at.  Which I was singled out because I answered a supposed rhetorical question when no one else did while standing in formation.  A very tall black man yelled at me inches from my face.

     At that time, even with all the abnormal circumstances I still felt normal.  I will continue with the starting of the abnormal feelings in my next post.