Thanksgiving at my house

In my apartment we held thanksgiving dinner yesterday; we had 10 adults in total, my son, and our great niece who is only a few months old.  It actually turned out perfect.  I was worried it would be too crowded, but it was just right.  We were expecting a couple more, but as mentioned earlier Robert's nephew is in the hospital, so we were minus 2 adults and 2 kids.  As sad as it is, I am glad they didn't come; it would have been too many people.  Also, their children are not disciplined at all, so I would have really lost my mind if they were here.

What's crazy and great at the same time is I was worried that the days leading up to this event were going to cause me some anxiety problems.  Social gatherings in the past have made me freak out and given me the desire to drink; which of course I usually acted upon.  This time however I did not.  I even tried working with my psychiatric nurse practitioner to get anti-anxiety meds just for this situation.  This failed miserably; first off the one she prescribed was not covered under my insurance.  The pharmacy sent a request back for another medicine covered under my insurance, but they could not approve it until my doctor was in.  She is only in the office on saturdays; really?  What doctor only works on saturdays?  What if I had an anxiety attack on wednesday?  So finally on saturday they had her sign a prior authorization to send to my insurance for the medicine she prescribed; I still haven't' heard anything from them.  Good thing I didn't need it.

Blogging has really helped me deal with my emotions so much; I should have done this years ago.

Gotta bitch!

I will never shop at valu+ again!  For one thing their prices were horrible for a supposed warehouse.  Plus the people shopping there were rude as fuck!  I was yelled at by a black woman, sorry a Jamaican woman, because I moved her shopping cart outta my way.  She called me lazy; whatever, you're the fat bitch that left her cart in the middle of the aisle!

The reason I went there in the first place was cuz I saw their diapers were a good price in the ad; when I found them they were a higher price and not even in my sons size!

I had my son with me so instead of yelling back at that psycho woman, I just looked at her with my angry eyes and said ok in a sarcastic voice.  Talk about someone who needs to remove the stick up their ass!

Lastly, to end my bitching, I had to bag my own groceries, a huge pet peeve of mine, in the flimsiest bags ever. 

There, I feel better, sorry you probably feel crappy now.

My Crazy Dreams!

For as long as I can remember I have had the most vivid and realistic dreams.  I don't know if this is due to being bipolar or just having a very inventive mind.  My dreams are so real it's like I have another world I enter into every night; it's great!

I have several reoccurring dreams that are similar in some ways and different in others.  The odd thing is there are a couple different locations that reoccur in my dreams too; like another apartment that we live in.  Sometimes I wake up and look around me and think what happened to our apartment?

I express a lot of my feelings in my dreams, especially anger.  One of the reoccurring locations is the house I grew up in with my mom and brother.  I dream sometimes that we are living there and I get into a fight with my mom and threaten to move out.  I end up packing all my things and leave to move in with my boyfriend (my husband in real life).  This is one of those dreams that is similar but changes from time to time.

What's crazy is over the years I have learned to change my dream as I am dreaming.  If I don't like something that happens I can realize I am dreaming and change it.  What happens a lot now is in the middle of my dream I'll be reminded that I have a son, usually he's in baby form even though he is 2 in real life.  I have to find some way to incorporate him into my dream; either someone is watching him, he's in the other room, or something else that makes sense.

I occasionally have a time travel dream where I go back to when I was a child.  What's weird is when I travel back I get this stretching feeling that I am being twisted around while my feet are planted on the ground; the farther back in time I go the more twisted around I get.  The feeling I get tells me I am not supposed to be traveling back in time, but I do it anyways.  I wonder how much of my dreams are influenced on the way my body is feeling at that time; is my body twisted up when I am dreaming?

I bet dream analyzers would have a blast with my library of crazy dreams; I sure do enjoy them!

AA topic = Acceptance

I went to a meeting tonight and the discussion was on acceptance.  It is very hard for me to accept things that happen that I cannot change.  I am agnostic so I do not pray like others do to make themselves feel like they have done something; that's one of the things that irks me the most about religious people.

Anyways,  I shared tonight at the meeting about how we had just visited my husbands nephew, who is only 8 years old, at the children's hospital.  The poor kid has been in and out of hospitals his whole life because his selfish mother did drugs while she was pregnant with him.  This is my sister-in-law whom I have grown to love and hate at the same time.  It is not fair that an innocent child has to endure pain and suffering due to the mistakes of another.

How can I accept the fact that our nephew is suffering along with many others in this world.  So far the most we have been able to do is go see him in the hospital and try to brighten his day.  What else can I do?  Sometimes I want to curse out his mother, but that wouldn't ease his pain; although it would make me feel better!  I guess all we can do is be there for him, but that is very hard because it eats away at my soul every time I see him or his family.  The fact that there are thousands of other kids out there worse off than him pains me.

Why is it that so many people can pray to a god that is all powerful and loving, but cannot see the world being deprived of the power and love they pray for?

Blogging on the go...

I am at a McDonalds with my son attempting to wear him out so he'll take a good nap and then I can take a good nap.  Yes I do take naps because keeping up with a toddler 24/7 is tiring!  I dont care what anyone says, I've worked other jobs, being a full time mother and homemaker is the hardest job out there.  Especially when you have a son as stubborn as mine. 

The latest fight has been with him staying in bed for naps and bedtime. It was easy when he was in a crib...I miss those days.

I dont know if it's because I'm bipolar, the meds, or just my tolerance level but sometimes I really lose it.  My husband has to deal with him at night because after all day with him I'm done.

Oh well, they say to enjoy these days because they go by quick; I shall try.

Veterans Day

Today is a day we remember all those who served in the military and fought for our freedom; my husband is one of them.  He served in the army and went to Kuwait.

The hard part for me on this day of remembrance is the memory of my military experience.  I joined the Air Force in February 2004; I was really excited to see the world and make a difference.  By the age of 24, I had tried many paths to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  The military was my escape.

Unaware of my mental disorder I self medicated with alcohol throughout my early 20's.  This became unavailable for me when I entered the Air force and went into basic training.  I survived the 8 weeks of basic and entered tech school.

After a couple days into my tech training I had a huge manic episode.  I don't remember much but my mind was creating all sorts of crazy scenarios and being on an Air force base didn't help with my delusions.  They admitted me into the psych ward; my manic self thought I had supernatural powers and they were trying to evaluate me.  That was when I was diagnosed bipolar.  After a few weeks on medication and confinement I came down off my high and digested what was really happening...my dream was being taken away from me.

A medical discharge sent me back home to my parents.  Not knowing anything about my disorder I didn't follow up with a psychiatrist and stopped taking the medication they gave me.  Needless to say I went into a deep depression.  That's when I attempted suicide and almost died.

Even though I am better now 7 years later, it still stings like it was yesterday.  What if I had made it in the Air force?  Where would I be now?  I love my life, but there is always that what if.  The part that hurts the most is the rejection from the military.  Any type of rejection hurts, but this one was big.  I don't tell people that I am a veteran because I don't consider myself one.  On this day though I think about how I could have been.

Just one of those days where I want to kick somebody's ass!

I needed to go to the grocery store this morning so I told my son afterwards we would go to McDonalds so he could play.  We went to one I hadn't gone to before but looked like it had a cool play area.  After getting our yogurt and drinks we headed over to it.  It was closed and some man was cleaning it.  I think my face looked more disappointed than my sons.  I wanted to curse out the manager and tell him to clean the play area at night when no children are going to play in it; not at 10:30 am when toddlers need to expel some energy!!!

I held back my anger and we moved on to a park that I saw was close by.  It was located by a school, but there was a fence dividing the two.  My son was climbing and playing on the jungle gym when some lady yelled, "Mam, mam, you are not supposed to be over there!"  I yelled back," Isn't this a park?"  She said that during school hours no one is allowed to play at the park, not til after 2pm!  Really?!?!  I wanted to yell, scream, jump the fence, and slap her silly!  Instead I apologized and told her I was unaware of that rule.

As my son and I left I saw a sign with park rules and sure enough at the bottom it stated that the park is used by the school exclusively during school hours.

I gave up and took my son home and let him watch one of his favorite shows.

To think I curbed my temper twice within a matter of 1 hour astounds me.  A couple years ago this story would have gone a whole lot different.  I am not sure what has changed my willpower; it must have to be due to my son in some way, plus age makes us wiser right?  Or does my age make me weaker?

Bah Humbug

My husband and I were just figuring out the holiday season and how much it is going to cost us.  We struggle during all the other months of the year, but the holidays just make it impossible.  I know we could be worse off than we are, but the stress of it still hits us pretty hard.
I thought it would be a good idea to host thanksgiving this year; even though we live in a 1100 sq. ft. apartment.  My reasoning was we could get the holiday over with in one day, instead of having to drive to 2 different locations on different days.
My parents are divorced and the past few thanksgivings we haven't gotten together with my dads side of the family; we do on Christmas though.  So I only have my moms side of the family, which includes my mom, step-dad, brother, and grandma; only 4 people.  My husbands side has a bit more; his sister has produced 4 children with 3 different dads.  There is a 21 year old son who is now in a relationship and has a baby of his own, a 17 year old daughter whom we don't even know will show cuz she's always at her boyfriends, a 7 year old son, and a 2 year old son.  What's sad is our 2 year old gets along better with their 7 year old because he's so far advanced and their children are so far behind.
Let's just say it is going to be one interesting Thanksgiving in our cozy little apartment.  How are we going to all fit?!?!?!
The other question I have is, it's my home so can I get away with not saying grace because we are agnostic?  Everyone who is coming over is Christian.  Is there a way to not pray, but not offend my guests?

What does a bipolar person look like?

I had an appointment today with a psychiatric nurse practitioner.  She was one of the several psychiatrists/ therapists that have told me that I do not look like I am bipolar.  I am now wondering what is a bipolar person supposed to look like?
I don't really know anyone else who is bipolar...my brother is struggling with the symptoms, but has not been diagnosed.  He looks "normal" to me.
I decided to google "bipolar person" and these images are ones that popped up.

  Their expressions show emotion; maybe because I am stable on meds right now I look non-bipolar.  So tell me, what is a "bipolar person" supposed to look like?

Idiotic Parents

From what I've seen there are two extremes of parenting...
-the neglectful parent who ignores their child as they pull down everything off the shelves at the store
-and the overprotective parent who won't even let their child go down the slide at the park because there's a speck of dirt on it.
I fall somewhere in between and so do most other parents, but there are those occasional idiots.
The neglectful parents are the ones I really can't stand.  Today I took my son to a play place that has bouncers and slides that adults can play on too; there is one area for bigger kids that has a zip-line.  I make sure my son does not walk in there so he doesn't get kicked in the head.  You would think other parents would do the same.  Of course there was this one mom who watched her daughter walk into the area and instead of going in there to grab her she just called to her.  If your child does not respond and come to you when you first call, go get her you idiot!  I wanted to walk up to her and slap her silly.  In fact there have been several times I've wanted to go up to parents or their children and correct them.
Some people should just not be parents.

What makes me want to drink?

     I've been sober for over 30 days now and I am to the point where my mind tells me I need a drink.  I've never been one to drink every day.  The cravings usually come up for me about once a month.  I'll feel overwhelmed, anxious, and just in the "need" of a drink.  It's usually some stressor in my life that gives me the excuse to have a drink.
     If it was just one drink, I'd probably be ok; but I can't take just one drink.  I guess that is why I am an alcoholic.  When I set out to drink its to get so far drunk that I don't have to think or deal with anything.  Unfortunately, I usually do something stupid when I'm drunk which gives me more problems than I started with.
     So this is what makes me want to drink,
When...
1.  my son won't go to bed and I am butt tired and do not want to fight with him anymore.
2.  basically any time my son decides to be stubborn and I don't want to deal with him.
3.  I'm going to have to be in a social situation that makes me feel uncomfortable.
4.  I have to hang out with people I know are going to be boring.
5.  other people inflict rudeness and stupidity on me or in my life.
6.  other people around me are drinking and having fun.
7.  I can't go to sleep because my mind is wandering with too many thoughts.
8.  I see wine or beer on sale or displayed on the end caps in the store.

     Of course there are probably a thousand other reasons I have gotten drunk in the past, these are just a few recent ones.  Hope you enjoyed my woes...what are some of the reasons you get drunk?