Messed up Christmas!

This year has got to be one of the worst christmas' yet.  Previously I posted how my husbands side of the family all got the flu so christmas day got postponed 'til tuesday.  That went well, as well as any chaotic family gathering can be.

Then wednesday we hung out with my dad's side of the family and that was great.  Then driving home that night my husband started feeling sick.  We both ended up getting the 24 hour flu and we were up all night.  The next day we were feeling better, we were just tired.

I told my mom we were feeling better and should be able to make it out for christmas on friday (today).  She was worried we were still contagious and my grandma and her basically banned us from coming out!  I was so upset...I understand there is a slight chance that they might catch it from us, but there is also a slight chance that they can catch something from just entering public places; that doesn't turn them into hermits though, does it?

Anyways, now we are trying to figure out how we are going to reschedule our christmas on my moms side.  With my brother's work schedule along with my husband's it is hard to do.  I sorta don't want to do it anymore.  I'm almost tired of christmas and the chaos involved.  It is a great time seeing family, but it can be extremely stressful too.  I see why some people just leave and go on vacation during the holidays.

It's just not fair...my side of the family's christmas got screwed up cuz of my husband's side.  If there weren't 10 people living under one roof, the 24 hour flu wouldn't have lasted and transmitted to us almost 2 weeks later!  It pisses me off that my in-laws have allowed their drug abusive daughter live under their roof over and over again.  It's gotten to the point of beyond ridiculousness!  Since there are kids involved I understand the hesitance to kick them out, but come on!  They are not doing anything to improve their lives...they are just going to be moochers forever.

Their harboring has trickled into our lives over and over again.  When is enough, enough!?!?!

Christmas thus far...

Christmas day is usually spent with my husband's side of the family because there are kids on that side; so we were finishing up opening presents with our son when my mother-in-law called and said christmas over there was cancelled due to mostly everyone being sick with the flu.  It was disappointing.  We didn't know what to do...so we called my mom to see what she was up to.  We ended up meeting with her and my stepdad at a Denny's for lunch and then going to a nearby park to play.  It was a weird, but fun christmas day; we didn't have the traditional christmas dinner, but it was still fun and we'll get plenty of traditional dinners this upcoming week.

Since we did not go over to my in-laws yesterday, we are going over there tomorrow.  Supposedly they are better, but who knows.  All I know is I bought us airborne and we are sooo using it.  It's rough going over there to my husband's parents house because there are so many people living in a small house that it is somewhat depressing.

The rest of the week is pretty booked.  Wednesday we are going over to my cousins for my dad's side of the family, thursday we have one of my husband's old coworkers coming over for dinner, and friday we are going to my grandma's for my moms side of the family.  My husband usually saves his vacation time up so he can take the whole week off between christmas and new years, which is pretty cool; it's amazing though how quickly the time gets filled with stuff to do.

My best friend came over last night and stayed most of today.  We got to take her to a play place called scooter's jungle where we love to take our 2 year old son.  It has a bunch of bouncers and huge slides that the kids and adults get to play on.  We had a blast!

Christmas eve we had one of our neighbors over for dinner with her two kids that like to play with our son.  We played games, ate dinner, and exchanged gifts.  That is something I would not do if it weren't for my son and husband.  They are the social butterflies, not I.

So far christmas has been unexpected but good...we'll see how everything goes as the week progresses.

Religious people and their stupid must save you issues!

Right now I am furious!  We just received a christmas card from my husbands cousin out in Minnesota that included a letter of how their family was doing.  I was reading along and everything was fine until I got to the last paragraph.  It explained that the lord jesus died for our sins and we must accept him into our hearts to be saved and blah blah blah!  I understand christians feel the need to share their beliefs to save those poor souls bound for eternal hell, but save it for someone who hasn't heard the story a thousand times!  Really!?!?!

She must know the people who she's sending cards out to; therefore, she must know they are either already christians or people who have chosen other beliefs and are knowledgeable of the christian faith.  Does she really need to embellish on her chosen faith to those who could care less.  It makes me want to send her a letter stating all the facts that go against her ridiculous faith and why she needs to wake up and see reality!  I don't want to cause a rift between my husband and his family, so I most likely will not retaliate, but if it were someone from my family they would be getting a nasty gram!

90 Days

Yesterday was my 90th day of sobriety...the next meeting I attend will present me with a chip; then I won't get one 'til I reach 6mos.  I'd like to say it is getting easier, but it's not.  In fact for me this is the hardest part.  I could usually go for a couple months without drinking then I would get a craving to binge.  My son really was on my nerves yesterday and I really, really, really wanted a drink.  The only thing that kept me from drinking was knowing that I will be attending my AA meeting and I want to be honest with them in saying I've reached my 90 days.  So in that instance the program works.

I have to attend a Christmas party tonight for my husbands work...there will be plenty of alcohol there to tempt me.  Grrr, arrrgh!  I can get through it...I will immediately ask for a soda and sip that throughout the night instead of wine or any other alcoholic drink.  I'll have my hard candy with me too.  Every alcoholic says this time of year is hard to get through due to all the parties...it is true.  At least our family gatherings never have alcohol at them; that would definitely be tempting considering the stress involved with those.

All in all I am thankful for my sobriety and glad that I am a recovered alcoholic.  One day at a time!

Mentally off

Yesterday was so weird.  It felt as if I was manic and tired at the same time; which usually doesn't go hand in hand.  On sundays we usually just sit at home, relax, and enjoy football.  My mind was all over the place and I couldn't do it.  I felt I needed to go and do something.

So I braved the stores; bad idea.  It felt like I was in a fog, but a thousand things were running through my mind; like who do we have left to buy for christmas, I need to spend my kohl's cash cuz it expires today, my son needs different diapers cuz the ones I bought are leaking, I want to make my presents prettier so I need ribbon, and blah blah blah!  All these thoughts were outta control in my wacky head.  On top of that the crowds made it seem worse.  I came home feeling drained.

I think I slept really hard last night because when I woke up I was sore all over.  I felt better a little later, but I hope a day like yesterday doesn't happen again any time soon.

I am worried off days like yesterday might occur more often because I am not drinking anymore.  I hate the problems associated with drinking, but chemically it has aided me over the years.  My medicine is probably going to need to be adjusted; I just need to find a psychiatrist that I can work with.  The last one I saw was a nurse practitioner who was just going off what I told her instead of any knowledge that she had.  Then the psychiatrist before her adjusted my meds and then all of a sudden wasn't covered under my insurance any more.  I had to make some adjustments on my own based on how I was feeling.  I know best on what I feel at any certain time; it just needs to be communicated to someone who knows how to change my medicine accordingly.

Oh why does my mind need to be so confusing!?!?

Imagine bad things...

I am curious if it is common for people to imagine bad things happening in their lives; or is it rare and I'm seriously morbid.  It's not like I do it often, but sometimes thoughts drift in my head and I continue on with the story instead of dismissing it.

Usually, it involves someone I care about getting into a car accident or killed somehow and I have to deal with it accordingly.  I imagine what I would do, how I would react, and how it would affect my life.  I look at it as a coping mechanism; if at anytime something like this should happen, I would be prepared.  It also could be my subconscious trying to create drama in my now nondramatic life; because my life use to be crazy back when I was not on medication and drinking all the time.  I think television has some contribution to it as well; especially those criminal shows I like to watch.

So tell me, is this rare?  Do others do this too?

Shit hit the fan...

There was a full moon this weekend, so that might explain why there was drama, drama, and a little more drama.  With my husband's side of the family there are always issues; considering there are 10 people and a baby living in a 3 bedroom 1 bath home, that's to be expected.  There were considerably more problems than usual in a time frame of one day.

Firstly, the teenage daughter of my sister-n-law was holding the baby (her niece) and eating a cup of noodles.  She spilled it on her causing 1st and 2nd degree burns and they had to take her to the hospital.   In what world do you eat hot food or beverages while holding an infant!

Secondly, my lovely sister-n-law somehow managed to allow her 8 year old son to break his arm again!  He just got his cast off from the previous break! Come on.  They took him to the hospital and were sent home with medicine that made him sick, so they had to go back to the hospital which diagnosed him with pancreatitis.  This is just one of the many health problems this poor child has had to endure throughout his life.

Thirdly, my in-law's car has been giving them problems and wouldn't start when they were supposed to come over yesterday.  With no other options, my husband decided to drive up and get them and bring them back after.  We both knew they needed to get out of the house with everything going on there.

Lastly, and related to my family this time, my brother announced on Facebook that he was going to get married.  Usually this is exciting news, but my brother has been dealing with alcoholism and is most likely undiagnosed bipolar.  He is avoiding a DUI and has a warrant out for his arrest.  This girl he is supposedly marrying lives up north and they have been friends for 6 years but have never actually dated.   Supposedly, she wanted to move down here with him, but he only would let her if she agreed to marry him.  Damn religion pushes people into shit they just don't need!

What's crazy is all this bullshit surrounds us in our families and it seems we are the only sane ones.  It's enough to drive us insane...oh wait I already am!

The true history behind christmas...

So you hear it every year, christians stating don't forget the true meaning behind christmas.  Well do they really know what they are talking about, because I don't think they do.  There is a long history behind celebrations around this time of year and many religions have jumped on this holiday to claim it as their own, including christians.

Some of the celebrations that took place many years ago include yule in scandinavia, the end of december in europe, the god oden in germany, saturnalia and juvenilia in rome.  If interested a few websites that are about the history of the holidays include...
http://www.history.com/topics/christmas
http://www.thehistoryofchristmas.com/ch/before_christ.htm

It irks me when christians state, "don't forget the true meaning of christmas!"  The only reason the christian religion celebrates the birth of jesus on that day is because the early christians chose it to override the pagan celebrations.  So go ahead you christians celebrate the day of your choosing but don't expect us others to acknowledge it as your holiday, because it's not.  It is a jumble of so many beliefs that no one can claim it as their own.

I am not going to be converted!

Why is it whenever I state that I am an atheist people look at me with a sad face and assume I will eventually see the light?  

My current sponsor states she is not Christian and that she uses her higher power as anything more powerful than her, but she still refers to it as a god.  She sent me an email and in it was a quote from Bill W. (The primary founder of AA) stating, "The atheist may stand up in an A.A. meeting still denying the Deity, yet reporting how vastly he has been changed in attitude and outlook. Much experience tells us he will presently change his mind about God, but nobody tells him he must do so."  Grrr it makes me so angry!  They may not tell me to find god, but they assume I will eventually! Really?!!! Mind your own damn business!

How come agnostics and atheists must eventually be converted and see the "truth", but christians or believers don't eventually have to be converted and open their eyes to the facts?

I survived a social event...

It's been over 2 months sober for me now and it seems to be going well.  I don't have cravings to drink as often as I used to, but they still pop up usually when something stressful comes about.  Sometimes when my son is being difficult, and trust me he can be difficult, I want to drink.  Whenever there is a social gathering I sometimes want to drink to calm my nerves.  Although, I never drink the amount to just calm my nerves, I end up drinking the amount to pass out and deaden them.

Last night was a social gathering for my husbands work.  Clients were there, plus colleagues, and children were invited too.  So not only was I responsible for my actions, but I was responsible for my son as well; talk about a stressor.  The event was at 4pm, so of course around 1pm while my son was napping I thought I should have a glass of wine while I am getting ready.  Immediately after that thought crossed my mind, another thought ran through screaming you idiot!  I knew better; I knew what would end up happening if I had that glass of wine.  I would finish the whole damn bottle and be lit by the time we arrived at the gathering.  Then while at the restaurant I would take advantage of the free bar.  By the end of the night I would have done something stupid that I would regret and my husband would be infuriated with me.

I decided I had to do something right away to occupy my mind.  It was too early to put on makeup or do my hair, so I painted my nails and updated my computer (I usually use my husbands because mine is freakin' slow).  After a short while I didn't have that desire to drink anymore.  It is hard to overcome that strong urge to drink, but I think I can do it with the help of others in the meetings, blogging, and through my sponsor.

That's another thing, I finally found a sponsor I truly relate to.  She is bipolar, non-christian, and not pushy.  I announced at my last AA meeting that I needed a sponsor, but to keep in mind I'm an atheist so don't offer to sponsor me if you can't handle that.  I had wanted this woman I have been talking with to sponsor me but I was too scared to ask, so instead I made that announcement to see if she would come to me, and she did.  Yeah!

In the end my husbands work event turned out great, and I feel I did a good job being a supportive wife and mother.  It's a great feeling to know I avoided an alcohol related catastrophe, I think I'll keep it up.

My hand is a gun...

I don't know if anyone else does this, I'm sure there are some people that do, but I sometimes pretend my hand is a gun and I point it at people to eliminate them from the face of this planet.  I know that's harsh, but at least it is a fake gun, right?

The most common use is when I'm driving; there's usually a retard in front of me driving as slow as molasses.  I pull out my hand gun, point, and shoot.  It makes me feel better anyways.  It would be cool if it really did eliminate them from the road.  Of course in reality if I shot them they would just crash then that would cause further delay.

It's actually not a fake hand gun, more of a hand eliminator; because I'd rather use it to make people disappear.  If I'm waiting in a long line I pretend to pull it out and get rid of everyone in front of me.  I say pretend because if I actually did the action I think I might end up getting a few "your crazy" looks and possibly get kicked out of the store.

Maybe I'm weird, does anyone else do this?