It's so frustrating having this desire to drink when I'm upset and knowing that it will just lead me to a downward spiral of idiotic behavior. The part that is the most frustrating is watching other people, such as on television, going through difficult times and seeing them turn to drinking and it being fantasized as a solution. It makes me think why can they do it and not me? It's not fair!
I need to realize it's an outlet for some people who can handle it. I can't handle it; so I need other outlets. Blogging is one of them...punching my pillow is another ;-)
My frustration today...my husband was going to a baseball game with some friends and I had somewhat of an idea what time they were leaving because I knew what time the game started. But, all of a sudden he said he had to leave like an hour earlier, which totally screwed with my idea of what was going to go down. I wanted him to help me cut our sons hair while he did his then have them shower together to get him clean, which did not happen.
Oh well...I'm gonna take our son to the beach...gotta get out of this house!
It is generally believed that many of those with bipolar disorder also struggle with alcoholism or substance abuse. Researchers, as well as many of those caught in the cycle of addiction, believe the use of these substances is an attempt to alleviate symptoms or to "self-medicate."
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
2004
A very trying and disturbing year of my life.
In my hand written journal, prior to my blog, I started writing about what I remembered from that year I was diagnosed bipolar. There is a lot I don't remember; it's a huge blur, but when I do remember something I try to write it down.
It started in February when I joined the Air Force. It all went downhill after that. I am going to transcribe what I have written so far in my journal, which will hopefully allow me to recall more of what happened that unsettling year.
In my hand written journal, prior to my blog, I started writing about what I remembered from that year I was diagnosed bipolar. There is a lot I don't remember; it's a huge blur, but when I do remember something I try to write it down.
It started in February when I joined the Air Force. It all went downhill after that. I am going to transcribe what I have written so far in my journal, which will hopefully allow me to recall more of what happened that unsettling year.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
So Confused
I really don't know what to do. The big question is...am I disabled and unable to work?
Being bipolar, sometimes I don't know what mental problems I'm experiencing are contributed to this or just natural aging or stress. I know my mind does not function like a "normal" person's, but to what extent?
The reason I am having this confusion is because my disability income ended due to the fact that they consider me no longer disabled. They came to this conclusion because I had accumulated so many months of substantial employment. The most recent being the job I worked for less than 90 days that fired me for not progressing according to their expectations. I hadn't worked for over 2 years prior to this job.
I went ahead and decided to reapply for my benefits. I was at the social security office practically all day today. The whole time I had an internal debate occurring on whether I am still disabled or not.
I still take medications for being bipolar and I know if not on these medications I would be severely unstable. While on the medications though, I am able to function as a normal member of society. I have been able to take care of my son and raise him for almost 3 years now. There are moments when I feel I am short tempered, but most people are when raising a toddler.
When trying to go back to work I felt extremely stressed. When I was put in a situation where I had to preform my technical skills there were moments I felt inadequate. I am inexperienced and need more training, but I feel almost untrainable because I didn't pick up the skills I should have over a 3 month period.
So the big question...is this struggle of going back to work due to my disability, a need for more training, or normal stress? Arrrrgh!
Being bipolar, sometimes I don't know what mental problems I'm experiencing are contributed to this or just natural aging or stress. I know my mind does not function like a "normal" person's, but to what extent?
The reason I am having this confusion is because my disability income ended due to the fact that they consider me no longer disabled. They came to this conclusion because I had accumulated so many months of substantial employment. The most recent being the job I worked for less than 90 days that fired me for not progressing according to their expectations. I hadn't worked for over 2 years prior to this job.
I went ahead and decided to reapply for my benefits. I was at the social security office practically all day today. The whole time I had an internal debate occurring on whether I am still disabled or not.
I still take medications for being bipolar and I know if not on these medications I would be severely unstable. While on the medications though, I am able to function as a normal member of society. I have been able to take care of my son and raise him for almost 3 years now. There are moments when I feel I am short tempered, but most people are when raising a toddler.
When trying to go back to work I felt extremely stressed. When I was put in a situation where I had to preform my technical skills there were moments I felt inadequate. I am inexperienced and need more training, but I feel almost untrainable because I didn't pick up the skills I should have over a 3 month period.
So the big question...is this struggle of going back to work due to my disability, a need for more training, or normal stress? Arrrrgh!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Almost Made it to a Year
I fucked up!
So last friday I was fired right before I hit my 90 day probation period. They said my skill level wasn't what they expected and thought I should be farther along than I was after 3 months. I was crushed. I knew I wasn't progressing like I expected for myself, but to hear someone else say it was like being punched in the stomach and slapped in the face at the same time.
I left and immediately reverted to my old way of thinking...I want to numb my feelings and not think about it. I tried calling a couple people, but did not have all the phone numbers I should have programmed in my phone (I do now). Since no one answered I headed straight to the liquor store and bought a pint of vodka. I went home and made a drink. My husband ended up calling me back and told me to do what I was already thinking of doing...dumping the rest of the bottle out. I did and fortunately did not get wasted like I planned.
I still felt like shit, but at least I didn't get hungover and vomit all over myself like the last time I got drunk.
New sobriety date = 06-09-2012
So last friday I was fired right before I hit my 90 day probation period. They said my skill level wasn't what they expected and thought I should be farther along than I was after 3 months. I was crushed. I knew I wasn't progressing like I expected for myself, but to hear someone else say it was like being punched in the stomach and slapped in the face at the same time.
I left and immediately reverted to my old way of thinking...I want to numb my feelings and not think about it. I tried calling a couple people, but did not have all the phone numbers I should have programmed in my phone (I do now). Since no one answered I headed straight to the liquor store and bought a pint of vodka. I went home and made a drink. My husband ended up calling me back and told me to do what I was already thinking of doing...dumping the rest of the bottle out. I did and fortunately did not get wasted like I planned.
I still felt like shit, but at least I didn't get hungover and vomit all over myself like the last time I got drunk.
New sobriety date = 06-09-2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
A Mantra for Myself
I will try to do my best in everything I do.
I am not perfect and will make mistakes.
No matter what, everything will be ok.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Efficiency
I am about to approach my 90 day probationary period for my new job. This is the first job I've had since I became pregnant with my son almost 3 years ago. At my hire date I felt confident that my skills would be up to par by this time, but right now I feel that expectation hasn't been met.
As far as improvement with knowing the computer program and what the doctor wants (I'm a vet technician) there has been some. But when it comes to my technical skills I feel like I haven't progressed like I wanted. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but the doctor I work with doesn't let me do very much when the other technicians are around. She just wants the job done quickly. How am I supposed to get efficient at anything if I don't get the experience!?!?!?!
Today I just wanted to take off on my lunch break and not come back. There is this camaraderie between the doctor and employees because she's worked with them so long. There is a point I hope will come where I feel a part of it, but I thought I would be there by now. I am only part time so maybe it will take a bit longer to establish it. All I know is I have to try not to be too hard on myself like I've done in the past. Lighten up and remember it's just a job.
As far as improvement with knowing the computer program and what the doctor wants (I'm a vet technician) there has been some. But when it comes to my technical skills I feel like I haven't progressed like I wanted. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but the doctor I work with doesn't let me do very much when the other technicians are around. She just wants the job done quickly. How am I supposed to get efficient at anything if I don't get the experience!?!?!?!
Today I just wanted to take off on my lunch break and not come back. There is this camaraderie between the doctor and employees because she's worked with them so long. There is a point I hope will come where I feel a part of it, but I thought I would be there by now. I am only part time so maybe it will take a bit longer to establish it. All I know is I have to try not to be too hard on myself like I've done in the past. Lighten up and remember it's just a job.
Monday, May 7, 2012
The Dentist
The last time I went to the dentist was when I was pregnant with my son three years ago. Three weeks ago I went for a checkup. They recommended $1400 worth of work and that's the part my insurance doesn't cover. Ha! It's ridiculous, but I did it because if I wait my teeth could get worse and more expensive.
So last week I had my right side done and today my left side. A total of 10 fillings, a cleaning, antibiotic packing, and irrigation (whatever that is) and I am fixed. It was so awkward sitting there while the dentist and technician worked on my mouth. I forget to hold my mouth open after a while and they have to remind me. They have this suction thing that stays in and hooks on the side of my mouth, along with the one the technician is holding. Then there's the drill! Arrgh, I hate it!
I get to go back in 6 months, I can't wait.
So last week I had my right side done and today my left side. A total of 10 fillings, a cleaning, antibiotic packing, and irrigation (whatever that is) and I am fixed. It was so awkward sitting there while the dentist and technician worked on my mouth. I forget to hold my mouth open after a while and they have to remind me. They have this suction thing that stays in and hooks on the side of my mouth, along with the one the technician is holding. Then there's the drill! Arrgh, I hate it!
I get to go back in 6 months, I can't wait.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)