Writing a book

I've been thinking about this for some time. My life seems rather interesting, but would anyone really want to read about it?

I would like to write about the struggles with mental disorders, alcoholism, and grief.

Maybe it could help someone or atleast make others aware of what its like.

Hmmm

Staying Busy

A little over a month ago I accepted a job at the animal shelter I have been volunteering at for a few years. I hadn't been interested in going to work for them until recently when I realized having too much time on my hands is dangerous.

Its been over four months now since my brother has passed. The first month I know I was in a depression because I slept a lot and ate a lot. I allowed myself that comfort with the feeling of entitlement.

About 2 months ago I believe is when I started snapping out of it and realizing if I dont do something with my time this could continue much longer.

Im not saying its bad to grieve; I still think of my brother every day. Its just I know he wouldnt want me lying in bed all day crying and imagining what if scenarios.

This new job is bringing me much needed joy in my life.

Anger and Sadness in Grief

There are a lot of things going through my mind lately.

My younger brother passed away on Valentines Day due to alcoholism.  He struggled with it even more than I have and could not stop.

I miss him so much for so many reasons.  If anyone could truly understand me it was him.  Days go by and I think if only Bryan were here he would understand.

I am living this life of bipolar, addiction, and despair.  Now more than ever loneliness has crept in and defeated my resolve.  Anger has been mixed with sadness.  Hate with love.  Memories keep flooding in and creating a sad longing for old times.

When all is said and done I guess I have to keep on living for others in my life.  I don't want to do anything sometimes.  I want to drown my sorrows in alcohol, but what good will that do.

Long time no write...

     Its been over a year since I "blogged". I just haven't felt the need to. I started this blog as a therapy for myself knowing that hardly anyone would read it but if they did maybe it would help someone. 

     Ive had a rough year so far. After over 3 years of sobriety I drank again and got myself into some trouble. An accident, DUI, and child endangerment charges. $10000 just for a lawyer and much more for court fees classes and therapy. Everyone wants their money. No one was hurt in the accident, but my 5 year old son was in the car so I have been explaining to him with the best of my ability the negative impact of alcohol.

     As if that wasn't enough there have been even more problems in my marriage and family.

     2004 was a horrible year for me, but this one is creeping up as a close second.

     One bright side is I was able to go on my trip to Europe with my BFF. We went to Paris then Rome. It was amazingly beautiful! The trip was tainted by my recent DUI and jail experience, but I was still able to enjoy.

     I am now going to a We Agnostic AA meeting I found which has been so helpful. I found a sponsor who is agnostic as well and working the steps with me without the god crap.

     Recently Ive been having some struggles with a client of mine, Im a pet sitter and their dog is slowly starving to death because of an underlying digestive condition. Last time I cared for him I took him to the vet because he was severely dehydrated. They spent around $500 for diagnostics and treatment which I realize is a lot but when your an animal owner these things happen and you are responsible. I didn't see him for a month and yesterday just started caring for him again. He is much worse off, very skinny and wont even go for a walk. The owner is refusing to spend any more money at the vet unless he's in "pain". He is literally starving!!! I cant stand it.

 I don't know what to do.

Religious Donations

     So this post may seem a bit greedy and angry, but I don't care because it addresses a serious problem I have with religions in general.

     My grandpa passed away recently and my uncle and dad had an estate sale.  They received $3600 from the items remaining in his house.  $1000 of it was given to my older brother for a Christian mission he will be going on this summer to Mexico.  The other $2600 was donated to the huge ass church my grandpa attended.  Now, I do realize this is something my grandpa would have wanted, but I believe it is completely wrong.

     For one thing this church has at least 5000+ members who frequently donate money.  The church itself is extravagant; this is one of my major problems with churches and religions.  They say that their main purpose is to do charitable acts and spread the "word" of god.  Why then do they spend millions on enormous churches where people attend, instead of putting the money to those who need it!  I just know the $2600 they received from my family went straight to a fund to purchase more big screen tv's!

     The other thing that upsets me is there are 4 grandchildren; why did my brother receive $1000?  It is because he is going on a mission to share the beliefs of my family, excluding me.  The money should have been distributed evenly.

     Part of what worries me is pure selfishness I know, but the house my grandpa owned is going to be put up for sale.  My religious family will distribute the money according to their misguided beliefs.

     Religion blinds people into giving away money that should be given to those who need it.  Just look at the rich evangelists that exist in the Christian religion alone....rich pastors

     My family is not starving and has shelter, so yes I do not need the money myself; although it would help because we are not well off either.  But I tell you there are plenty of others who need it other than large, indoctrinating superstructures!

   

   
   

10 years

     I was thinking about it the other day that it's been 10 years now since that horrible year of my bipolar struggle.  I entered the Air Force in February 2004 and had my manic break down in April 2 months later. 

     So much has changed since then. 2004 was the worst year of my life to date.  But even though it was hard it really only took one year to become mostly stable.  Which I am fortunate because I know it takes some people much longer to find a medication that works.  I got a psychiatrist that was experienced and changed my life more than he will ever know; I sadly cannot tell him since he passed away in 2006. 

    My brother is one of those struggling with finding a medication that works and finding stability.  He does not feel that relief and stops taking the medications causing a downfall and a restart in his recovery.  I try and help him with my story, but I out of most people understand he is not comprehending or accepting anything I say.  He has not found a decent psychiatrist either which can help him through this time.  It's very frustrating seeing him struggle and be tormented for over 6 years with what I went through in one.

     I am so thankful for those who have helped me over the years gain this "normal", happy life and hope my brother and others can find it too.

What I Remember...

     A while back I posted that I was going to write about how I was diagnosed and my manic experience that occurred when I was in the air force.  There is a lot that is fuzzy and I don't remember, but I am going to try and document what I do know.

     I believe it must have all started in my teen years.  I've always been overly emotional, more on the manic side than anything.  I suppressed it by drinking alcohol starting at the age of 17 and from then on at least every other weekend until I left for the air force at the age of 23.

     In basic training I wasn't allowed access to alcohol for 8 weeks, so for 2 months I was without my self prescribed depressant causing an increase in my manic side.  This led up to my episode that turned into hospitalization and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

     So that is my generalized interpretation of what happened medically from what I've experienced and learned about my disorder over the years.  Now for the specifics.

     Well to start at the turning point, I left for basic training Feb 24, 2004.  My mom, stepdad, and Chris (my boyfriend at the time) dropped me off at the hotel which was to be my last free night.  I was happy with Chris probably because we were so alike at the time = goofballs.  Anyways, that's another story.  But I remember Chris walked me to my room and on the way we stopped in front of a mirror.  I said we need to take a picture look how cute we are.  He said we don't have a camera.  I replied who needs one we can take a mental picture and I clicked our mental camera.  I will never forget that picture.  No matter what I've blocked out or forgotten, that picture will remain.

     I was excited that night.  My roommate was fun to talk to; we were both nervous little white girls getting ourselves into something we couldn't even imagine.  She ended up being separated into a band flight at basic otherwise she would have been bunking with me.  Longoria (L) another girl I befriended in San Diego did end up sharing a dorm with me.  A dorm meaning 2 rooms filled with 26 girls.

     It was so overwhelming getting on the plane and off onto a bus with men shouting orders at us.  Lining up and following instructions in fear of standing out and being yelled at.  Which I was singled out because I answered a supposed rhetorical question when no one else did while standing in formation.  A very tall black man yelled at me inches from my face.

     At that time, even with all the abnormal circumstances I still felt normal.  I will continue with the starting of the abnormal feelings in my next post.

I'm Obsessed

Ok...it's late, I'm tired, and I can't stop editing my blog page.  I keep wanting to change the design and am not satisfied.  This is how I am leaving it for now...

I am working with a psychiatrist on lowering one of my medications...it's been one week and I seem to be doing well.  It is the anti-depressant I am coming off of and I don't feel too down.

My motto is to be on the least amount of medication possible, while staying stable.  I know not to completely come off everything, but am wise enough to know excessive amounts can be bad.

I will write more later...hopefully!

BBQ party dilemma

     Over the memorial day weekend we attended a barbecue at my husband's friend's place.  Everyone was drinking...except the kids of course.  It was probably one of the hardest experiences I've had since becoming sober.  At first I was ok with the scenario and did my best to keep a positive outlook, but as time passed and people became more "friendlier" as the alcohol flourished it started to bother me.

     I think the most intense feeling I had was jealousy.  I was angry that all these people could drink and have fun, but I couldn't.  Then when I saw my husband feeling buzzed and enjoying himself I got really angry.  It wasn't fair!  It's not that I wanted to drink, it was more I didn't want everyone else to drink.

     There was a game they were playing called flip cup that looked really fun.  I didn't play because I wasn't drinking, but I really wanted to.  Finally, after about 3 hours I told my husband I wanted to go home.  Just as we were about to leave they invited him to play the flip cup game.  He asked me if I would cheer him on, knowing full well that I wanted to play that game but couldn't.  I know he wasn't thinking clearly, but come on!  I was pissed.  I went inside and waited for him to finish.  All the way home I was about to explode with anger.

     Looking back I now see some things I could have done differently.  I could have played the flip cup game with a non-alcoholic drink.  I could just avoid those parties altogether.  I'm sure as time passes these type of events will get easier, but still deep down inside I think I will always have a bitterness towards people who are drinking and having fun.

Priorities

     I think one of the things that frustrates me the most about some religious people is their idea that god needs to be their number one priority.  I've heard it over and over in weddings where the minister states that the couple must put god first before each other and then their marriage will succeed...that is such bull shit.  When people get married they should put their spouse as their number one priority.  No wonder so many people get divorced!

     Then when people have children the child should become their number one priority.  If you take some mystical being that isn't even physically there and put him/ her/ it as the number one priority then things become unreal.  Well the husband could say, "god told me to go to the baseball game and I am putting him first above all, even you!"  Or the wife could say, "god told me to not cook anymore because it is against his will, blah, blah, blah!"  It is so stupid to think that people would rely on something that can be created in one's mind so easily.

     I must go now because god told me to go eat ice cream...bye bye!

Kid Free

     I am one of the few privileged to be a stay at home mom.  I never imagined this life for me, but I am enjoying it.  Although, there are times that I need a BREAK!  My mom lives about 1.5 hours away and loves watching my son.  This week he stayed at her house for 2 nights...it was nice.  The problem is she is going back to work full time soon and won't be able to watch him like she has been.

     He started preschool back in January and attends 2 days a week for 2 hours; it's a small break that does help.  The thing is people who have jobs, like my husband, get days off; as a stay at home mom/ housekeeper, I rarely do.  Sometimes I feel like I am going to go crazy; especially on the days where my son is truly acting up.  Some days it's not that he's acting any different it's just my tolerance level is lower than normal...that's when I know it's time for a break.  Occasionally, my husband lets me have alone time on weekends while he takes our squirt out for the day and that helps.

     I know it won't be long until he is in school full time so I am trying to enjoy my time with him while I have it.  I shall take deep breaths and remember this time is short!

Haven't written in FOREVER!

I know, I know.  It's been awhile.  Well here I am, unable to sleep with a gazillion things on my mind.  Well not actually a gazillion, but one major issue: going back to work.

A while back I wrote on how social security was reevaluating my disability; I haven't officially received the notice, but I am pretty sure I have been denied considering they did not deposit my monthly payment into my bank account.  I am broke; not technically because my husband has an income, but it makes me feel inadequate.
                  `
My major concern is finding a job and keeping it.  My last experience was a bust; getting fired before my 90 days were up.  I'm scared.  I haven't ever felt this way about obtaining a job, but since I've waited so long since the firing issue my fear has built up over time.

I should have just got right back in the saddle again, but my husband and I agreed I should try to obtain my disability again because working was so stressful on me.

As I sit here eating my chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream, I wonder can I do this?  Or will the stress push me over the edge?

Not fair!

It's so frustrating having this desire to drink when I'm upset and knowing that it will just lead me to a downward spiral of idiotic behavior.  The part that is the most frustrating is watching other people, such as on television, going through difficult times and seeing them turn to drinking and it being fantasized as a solution.  It makes me think why can they do it and not me?  It's not fair!

I need to realize it's an outlet for some people who can handle it.  I can't handle it; so I need other outlets.  Blogging is one of them...punching my pillow is another ;-)

My frustration today...my husband was going to a baseball game with some friends and I had somewhat of an idea what time they were leaving because I knew what time the game started.  But, all of a sudden he said he had to leave like an hour earlier, which totally screwed with my idea of what was going to go down.  I wanted him to help me cut our sons hair while he did his then have them shower together to get him clean, which did not happen.

Oh well...I'm gonna take our son to the beach...gotta get out of this house!

2004

A very trying and disturbing year of my life.

In my hand written journal, prior to my blog, I started writing about what I remembered from that year I was diagnosed bipolar.  There is a lot I don't remember; it's a huge blur, but when I do remember something I try to write it down.

It started in February when I joined the Air Force.  It all went downhill after that.  I am going to transcribe what I have written so far in my journal, which will hopefully allow me to recall more of what happened that unsettling year.

So Confused

I really don't know what to do.  The big question is...am I disabled and unable to work?

Being bipolar, sometimes I don't know what mental problems I'm experiencing are contributed to this or just natural aging or stress.  I know my mind does not function like a "normal" person's, but to what extent?

The reason I am having this confusion is because my disability income ended due to the fact that they consider me no longer disabled.  They came to this conclusion because I had accumulated so many months of substantial employment.  The most recent being the job I worked for less than 90 days that fired me for not progressing according to their expectations.  I hadn't worked for over 2 years prior to this job.

I went ahead and decided to reapply for my benefits.  I was at the social security office practically all day today.  The whole time I had an internal debate occurring on whether I am still disabled or not.

I still take medications for being bipolar and I know if not on these medications I would be severely unstable.  While on the medications though, I am able to function as a normal member of society.  I have been able to take care of my son and raise him for almost 3 years now.  There are moments when I feel I am short tempered, but most people are when raising a toddler.

When trying to go back to work I felt extremely stressed.  When I was put in a situation where I had to preform my technical skills there were moments I felt inadequate.  I am inexperienced and need more training, but I feel almost untrainable because I didn't pick up the skills I should have over a 3 month period.

So the big question...is this struggle of going back to work due to my disability, a need for more training, or normal stress?  Arrrrgh!

Almost Made it to a Year

I fucked up!

So last friday I was fired right before I hit my 90 day probation period.  They said my skill level wasn't what they expected and thought I should be farther along than I was after 3 months.  I was crushed.  I knew I wasn't progressing like I expected for myself, but to hear someone else say it was like being punched in the stomach and slapped in the face at the same time.

I left and immediately reverted to my old way of thinking...I want to numb my feelings and not think about it.  I tried calling a couple people, but did not have all the phone numbers I should have programmed in my phone (I do now).  Since no one answered I headed straight to the liquor store and bought a pint of vodka.  I went home and made a drink.  My husband ended up calling me back and told me to do what I was already thinking of doing...dumping the rest of the bottle out.  I did and fortunately did not get wasted like I planned.

I still felt like shit, but at least I didn't get hungover and vomit all over myself like the last time I got drunk.

New sobriety date = 06-09-2012

A Mantra for Myself

I will try to do my best in everything I do.  

I am not perfect and will make mistakes.

No matter what, everything will be ok.

Efficiency

I am about to approach my 90 day probationary period for my new job.  This is the first job I've had since I became pregnant with my son almost 3 years ago.  At my hire date I felt confident that my skills would be up to par by this time, but right now I feel that expectation hasn't been met.

As far as improvement with knowing the computer program and what the doctor wants (I'm a vet technician) there has been some.  But when it comes to my technical skills I feel like I haven't progressed like I wanted.  Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but the doctor I work with doesn't let me do very much when the other technicians are around.  She just wants the job done quickly.  How am I supposed to get efficient at anything if I don't get the experience!?!?!?!

Today I just wanted to take off on my lunch break and not come back.  There is this camaraderie between the doctor and employees because she's worked with them so long.  There is a point I hope will come where I feel a part of it, but I thought I would be there by now.  I am only part time so maybe it will take a bit longer to establish it.  All I know is I have to try not to be too hard on myself like I've done in the past.  Lighten up and remember it's just a job.

The Dentist

The last time I went to the dentist was when I was pregnant with my son three years ago.  Three weeks ago I went for a checkup.  They recommended $1400 worth of work and that's the part my insurance doesn't cover.  Ha! It's ridiculous, but I did it because if I wait my teeth could get worse and more expensive.

So last week I had my right side done and today my left side.  A total of 10 fillings, a cleaning, antibiotic packing, and irrigation (whatever that is) and I am fixed.  It was so awkward sitting there while the dentist and technician worked on my mouth.  I forget to hold my mouth open after a while and they have to remind me.  They have this suction thing that stays in and hooks on the side of my mouth, along with the one the technician is holding.  Then there's the drill! Arrgh, I hate it!

I get to go back in 6 months, I can't wait.

Surviving

Well I decided to alter my antidepressant so I am taking a lower dose every other day.  I just started last Saturday, but the past couple days I have been extremely tired.  I think it is because I caught a bug or something because it is too soon for the medication adjustment to be kicking in; plus I am not experiencing any other signs of depression.  Who knows?

I hate being this tired though; I've been going to bed right around the time my 2 year old son does.  The only reason I am awake right now is because when my husband got home I took a nap!  I've always loved to sleep because my dreams are always so intense.

Well off to bed I go!  Everyone sleep tight!

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