Mentally off

Yesterday was so weird.  It felt as if I was manic and tired at the same time; which usually doesn't go hand in hand.  On sundays we usually just sit at home, relax, and enjoy football.  My mind was all over the place and I couldn't do it.  I felt I needed to go and do something.

So I braved the stores; bad idea.  It felt like I was in a fog, but a thousand things were running through my mind; like who do we have left to buy for christmas, I need to spend my kohl's cash cuz it expires today, my son needs different diapers cuz the ones I bought are leaking, I want to make my presents prettier so I need ribbon, and blah blah blah!  All these thoughts were outta control in my wacky head.  On top of that the crowds made it seem worse.  I came home feeling drained.

I think I slept really hard last night because when I woke up I was sore all over.  I felt better a little later, but I hope a day like yesterday doesn't happen again any time soon.

I am worried off days like yesterday might occur more often because I am not drinking anymore.  I hate the problems associated with drinking, but chemically it has aided me over the years.  My medicine is probably going to need to be adjusted; I just need to find a psychiatrist that I can work with.  The last one I saw was a nurse practitioner who was just going off what I told her instead of any knowledge that she had.  Then the psychiatrist before her adjusted my meds and then all of a sudden wasn't covered under my insurance any more.  I had to make some adjustments on my own based on how I was feeling.  I know best on what I feel at any certain time; it just needs to be communicated to someone who knows how to change my medicine accordingly.

Oh why does my mind need to be so confusing!?!?

Imagine bad things...

I am curious if it is common for people to imagine bad things happening in their lives; or is it rare and I'm seriously morbid.  It's not like I do it often, but sometimes thoughts drift in my head and I continue on with the story instead of dismissing it.

Usually, it involves someone I care about getting into a car accident or killed somehow and I have to deal with it accordingly.  I imagine what I would do, how I would react, and how it would affect my life.  I look at it as a coping mechanism; if at anytime something like this should happen, I would be prepared.  It also could be my subconscious trying to create drama in my now nondramatic life; because my life use to be crazy back when I was not on medication and drinking all the time.  I think television has some contribution to it as well; especially those criminal shows I like to watch.

So tell me, is this rare?  Do others do this too?

Shit hit the fan...

There was a full moon this weekend, so that might explain why there was drama, drama, and a little more drama.  With my husband's side of the family there are always issues; considering there are 10 people and a baby living in a 3 bedroom 1 bath home, that's to be expected.  There were considerably more problems than usual in a time frame of one day.

Firstly, the teenage daughter of my sister-n-law was holding the baby (her niece) and eating a cup of noodles.  She spilled it on her causing 1st and 2nd degree burns and they had to take her to the hospital.   In what world do you eat hot food or beverages while holding an infant!

Secondly, my lovely sister-n-law somehow managed to allow her 8 year old son to break his arm again!  He just got his cast off from the previous break! Come on.  They took him to the hospital and were sent home with medicine that made him sick, so they had to go back to the hospital which diagnosed him with pancreatitis.  This is just one of the many health problems this poor child has had to endure throughout his life.

Thirdly, my in-law's car has been giving them problems and wouldn't start when they were supposed to come over yesterday.  With no other options, my husband decided to drive up and get them and bring them back after.  We both knew they needed to get out of the house with everything going on there.

Lastly, and related to my family this time, my brother announced on Facebook that he was going to get married.  Usually this is exciting news, but my brother has been dealing with alcoholism and is most likely undiagnosed bipolar.  He is avoiding a DUI and has a warrant out for his arrest.  This girl he is supposedly marrying lives up north and they have been friends for 6 years but have never actually dated.   Supposedly, she wanted to move down here with him, but he only would let her if she agreed to marry him.  Damn religion pushes people into shit they just don't need!

What's crazy is all this bullshit surrounds us in our families and it seems we are the only sane ones.  It's enough to drive us insane...oh wait I already am!

The true history behind christmas...

So you hear it every year, christians stating don't forget the true meaning behind christmas.  Well do they really know what they are talking about, because I don't think they do.  There is a long history behind celebrations around this time of year and many religions have jumped on this holiday to claim it as their own, including christians.

Some of the celebrations that took place many years ago include yule in scandinavia, the end of december in europe, the god oden in germany, saturnalia and juvenilia in rome.  If interested a few websites that are about the history of the holidays include...
http://www.history.com/topics/christmas
http://www.thehistoryofchristmas.com/ch/before_christ.htm

It irks me when christians state, "don't forget the true meaning of christmas!"  The only reason the christian religion celebrates the birth of jesus on that day is because the early christians chose it to override the pagan celebrations.  So go ahead you christians celebrate the day of your choosing but don't expect us others to acknowledge it as your holiday, because it's not.  It is a jumble of so many beliefs that no one can claim it as their own.

I am not going to be converted!

Why is it whenever I state that I am an atheist people look at me with a sad face and assume I will eventually see the light?  

My current sponsor states she is not Christian and that she uses her higher power as anything more powerful than her, but she still refers to it as a god.  She sent me an email and in it was a quote from Bill W. (The primary founder of AA) stating, "The atheist may stand up in an A.A. meeting still denying the Deity, yet reporting how vastly he has been changed in attitude and outlook. Much experience tells us he will presently change his mind about God, but nobody tells him he must do so."  Grrr it makes me so angry!  They may not tell me to find god, but they assume I will eventually! Really?!!! Mind your own damn business!

How come agnostics and atheists must eventually be converted and see the "truth", but christians or believers don't eventually have to be converted and open their eyes to the facts?

I survived a social event...

It's been over 2 months sober for me now and it seems to be going well.  I don't have cravings to drink as often as I used to, but they still pop up usually when something stressful comes about.  Sometimes when my son is being difficult, and trust me he can be difficult, I want to drink.  Whenever there is a social gathering I sometimes want to drink to calm my nerves.  Although, I never drink the amount to just calm my nerves, I end up drinking the amount to pass out and deaden them.

Last night was a social gathering for my husbands work.  Clients were there, plus colleagues, and children were invited too.  So not only was I responsible for my actions, but I was responsible for my son as well; talk about a stressor.  The event was at 4pm, so of course around 1pm while my son was napping I thought I should have a glass of wine while I am getting ready.  Immediately after that thought crossed my mind, another thought ran through screaming you idiot!  I knew better; I knew what would end up happening if I had that glass of wine.  I would finish the whole damn bottle and be lit by the time we arrived at the gathering.  Then while at the restaurant I would take advantage of the free bar.  By the end of the night I would have done something stupid that I would regret and my husband would be infuriated with me.

I decided I had to do something right away to occupy my mind.  It was too early to put on makeup or do my hair, so I painted my nails and updated my computer (I usually use my husbands because mine is freakin' slow).  After a short while I didn't have that desire to drink anymore.  It is hard to overcome that strong urge to drink, but I think I can do it with the help of others in the meetings, blogging, and through my sponsor.

That's another thing, I finally found a sponsor I truly relate to.  She is bipolar, non-christian, and not pushy.  I announced at my last AA meeting that I needed a sponsor, but to keep in mind I'm an atheist so don't offer to sponsor me if you can't handle that.  I had wanted this woman I have been talking with to sponsor me but I was too scared to ask, so instead I made that announcement to see if she would come to me, and she did.  Yeah!

In the end my husbands work event turned out great, and I feel I did a good job being a supportive wife and mother.  It's a great feeling to know I avoided an alcohol related catastrophe, I think I'll keep it up.

My hand is a gun...

I don't know if anyone else does this, I'm sure there are some people that do, but I sometimes pretend my hand is a gun and I point it at people to eliminate them from the face of this planet.  I know that's harsh, but at least it is a fake gun, right?

The most common use is when I'm driving; there's usually a retard in front of me driving as slow as molasses.  I pull out my hand gun, point, and shoot.  It makes me feel better anyways.  It would be cool if it really did eliminate them from the road.  Of course in reality if I shot them they would just crash then that would cause further delay.

It's actually not a fake hand gun, more of a hand eliminator; because I'd rather use it to make people disappear.  If I'm waiting in a long line I pretend to pull it out and get rid of everyone in front of me.  I say pretend because if I actually did the action I think I might end up getting a few "your crazy" looks and possibly get kicked out of the store.

Maybe I'm weird, does anyone else do this?