Thursday, June 21, 2012

So Confused

I really don't know what to do.  The big question I disabled and unable to work?

Being bipolar, sometimes I don't know what mental problems I'm experiencing are contributed to this or just natural aging or stress.  I know my mind does not function like a "normal" person's, but to what extent?

The reason I am having this confusion is because my disability income ended due to the fact that they consider me no longer disabled.  They came to this conclusion because I had accumulated so many months of substantial employment.  The most recent being the job I worked for less than 90 days that fired me for not progressing according to their expectations.  I hadn't worked for over 2 years prior to this job.

I went ahead and decided to reapply for my benefits.  I was at the social security office practically all day today.  The whole time I had an internal debate occurring on whether I am still disabled or not.

I still take medications for being bipolar and I know if not on these medications I would be severely unstable.  While on the medications though, I am able to function as a normal member of society.  I have been able to take care of my son and raise him for almost 3 years now.  There are moments when I feel I am short tempered, but most people are when raising a toddler.

When trying to go back to work I felt extremely stressed.  When I was put in a situation where I had to preform my technical skills there were moments I felt inadequate.  I am inexperienced and need more training, but I feel almost untrainable because I didn't pick up the skills I should have over a 3 month period.

So the big this struggle of going back to work due to my disability, a need for more training, or normal stress?  Arrrrgh!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Almost Made it to a Year

I fucked up!

So last friday I was fired right before I hit my 90 day probation period.  They said my skill level wasn't what they expected and thought I should be farther along than I was after 3 months.  I was crushed.  I knew I wasn't progressing like I expected for myself, but to hear someone else say it was like being punched in the stomach and slapped in the face at the same time.

I left and immediately reverted to my old way of thinking...I want to numb my feelings and not think about it.  I tried calling a couple people, but did not have all the phone numbers I should have programmed in my phone (I do now).  Since no one answered I headed straight to the liquor store and bought a pint of vodka.  I went home and made a drink.  My husband ended up calling me back and told me to do what I was already thinking of doing...dumping the rest of the bottle out.  I did and fortunately did not get wasted like I planned.

I still felt like shit, but at least I didn't get hungover and vomit all over myself like the last time I got drunk.

New sobriety date = 06-09-2012

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A Mantra for Myself

I will try to do my best in everything I do.  
I am not perfect and will make mistakes.
No matter what, everything will be ok.