Sunday, September 30, 2012

Not fair!

It's so frustrating having this desire to drink when I'm upset and knowing that it will just lead me to a downward spiral of idiotic behavior.  The part that is the most frustrating is watching other people, such as on television, going through difficult times and seeing them turn to drinking and it being fantasized as a solution.  It makes me think why can they do it and not me?  It's not fair!

I need to realize it's an outlet for some people who can handle it.  I can't handle it; so I need other outlets.  Blogging is one of them...punching my pillow is another ;-)

My frustration husband was going to a baseball game with some friends and I had somewhat of an idea what time they were leaving because I knew what time the game started.  But, all of a sudden he said he had to leave like an hour earlier, which totally screwed with my idea of what was going to go down.  I wanted him to help me cut our sons hair while he did his then have them shower together to get him clean, which did not happen.

Oh well...I'm gonna take our son to the beach...gotta get out of this house!

Monday, July 30, 2012


A very trying and disturbing year of my life.

In my hand written journal, prior to my blog, I started writing about what I remembered from that year I was diagnosed bipolar.  There is a lot I don't remember; it's a huge blur, but when I do remember something I try to write it down.

It started in February when I joined the Air Force.  It all went downhill after that.  I am going to transcribe what I have written so far in my journal, which will hopefully allow me to recall more of what happened that unsettling year.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

So Confused

I really don't know what to do.  The big question I disabled and unable to work?

Being bipolar, sometimes I don't know what mental problems I'm experiencing are contributed to this or just natural aging or stress.  I know my mind does not function like a "normal" person's, but to what extent?

The reason I am having this confusion is because my disability income ended due to the fact that they consider me no longer disabled.  They came to this conclusion because I had accumulated so many months of substantial employment.  The most recent being the job I worked for less than 90 days that fired me for not progressing according to their expectations.  I hadn't worked for over 2 years prior to this job.

I went ahead and decided to reapply for my benefits.  I was at the social security office practically all day today.  The whole time I had an internal debate occurring on whether I am still disabled or not.

I still take medications for being bipolar and I know if not on these medications I would be severely unstable.  While on the medications though, I am able to function as a normal member of society.  I have been able to take care of my son and raise him for almost 3 years now.  There are moments when I feel I am short tempered, but most people are when raising a toddler.

When trying to go back to work I felt extremely stressed.  When I was put in a situation where I had to preform my technical skills there were moments I felt inadequate.  I am inexperienced and need more training, but I feel almost untrainable because I didn't pick up the skills I should have over a 3 month period.

So the big this struggle of going back to work due to my disability, a need for more training, or normal stress?  Arrrrgh!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Almost Made it to a Year

I fucked up!

So last friday I was fired right before I hit my 90 day probation period.  They said my skill level wasn't what they expected and thought I should be farther along than I was after 3 months.  I was crushed.  I knew I wasn't progressing like I expected for myself, but to hear someone else say it was like being punched in the stomach and slapped in the face at the same time.

I left and immediately reverted to my old way of thinking...I want to numb my feelings and not think about it.  I tried calling a couple people, but did not have all the phone numbers I should have programmed in my phone (I do now).  Since no one answered I headed straight to the liquor store and bought a pint of vodka.  I went home and made a drink.  My husband ended up calling me back and told me to do what I was already thinking of doing...dumping the rest of the bottle out.  I did and fortunately did not get wasted like I planned.

I still felt like shit, but at least I didn't get hungover and vomit all over myself like the last time I got drunk.

New sobriety date = 06-09-2012

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A Mantra for Myself

I will try to do my best in everything I do.  
I am not perfect and will make mistakes.
No matter what, everything will be ok.

Thursday, May 31, 2012


I am about to approach my 90 day probationary period for my new job.  This is the first job I've had since I became pregnant with my son almost 3 years ago.  At my hire date I felt confident that my skills would be up to par by this time, but right now I feel that expectation hasn't been met.

As far as improvement with knowing the computer program and what the doctor wants (I'm a vet technician) there has been some.  But when it comes to my technical skills I feel like I haven't progressed like I wanted.  Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but the doctor I work with doesn't let me do very much when the other technicians are around.  She just wants the job done quickly.  How am I supposed to get efficient at anything if I don't get the experience!?!?!?!

Today I just wanted to take off on my lunch break and not come back.  There is this camaraderie between the doctor and employees because she's worked with them so long.  There is a point I hope will come where I feel a part of it, but I thought I would be there by now.  I am only part time so maybe it will take a bit longer to establish it.  All I know is I have to try not to be too hard on myself like I've done in the past.  Lighten up and remember it's just a job.

Monday, May 7, 2012

The Dentist

The last time I went to the dentist was when I was pregnant with my son three years ago.  Three weeks ago I went for a checkup.  They recommended $1400 worth of work and that's the part my insurance doesn't cover.  Ha! It's ridiculous, but I did it because if I wait my teeth could get worse and more expensive.

So last week I had my right side done and today my left side.  A total of 10 fillings, a cleaning, antibiotic packing, and irrigation (whatever that is) and I am fixed.  It was so awkward sitting there while the dentist and technician worked on my mouth.  I forget to hold my mouth open after a while and they have to remind me.  They have this suction thing that stays in and hooks on the side of my mouth, along with the one the technician is holding.  Then there's the drill! Arrgh, I hate it!

I get to go back in 6 months, I can't wait.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


Well I decided to alter my antidepressant so I am taking a lower dose every other day.  I just started last Saturday, but the past couple days I have been extremely tired.  I think it is because I caught a bug or something because it is too soon for the medication adjustment to be kicking in; plus I am not experiencing any other signs of depression.  Who knows?

I hate being this tired though; I've been going to bed right around the time my 2 year old son does.  The only reason I am awake right now is because when my husband got home I took a nap!  I've always loved to sleep because my dreams are always so intense.

Well off to bed I go!  Everyone sleep tight!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Mania or just a joy for life?

I recently went back to work after 2 1/2 years of staying at home with my son.  It is giving me a new sense of pride and satisfaction I haven't felt in a long time.

Being bipolar, I am constantly keeping my feelings and emotions in check.  If they get out of control it can send me on a downward spiral like it has in the past.

The problem recently is I've been on a high; being able to take care of numerous things quicker than normal, occasionally having a hard time falling asleep, and having a sense of overall positive attitude no matter what.  I've also been inpatient with my son more than usual, but that could be because he's in his terrible twos.

One of the medications I'm on is an anti-depressant that my doctor put me on several years ago because I was in a deep depression.  Over the years I have lowered the strength that I've been on.  My most recent psychiatrist noted that he would like to take me off it completely; in fact he lowered my dosage on the anti-depressant and upped my mood stabilizer.  A couple weeks after that, I noticed I was feeling signs of depression.  I decided to go back up to the strength of antidepressant I was on.  My reasoning behind adjusting my own meds is that I know my emotions best and can judge whether I am needing an adjustment or not.

Which brings me to my question...are my feelings of elation due to the new change in my life? And if so, should I lower my antidepressant to alter it.  It's nice being on somewhat of a high, but that is what leads us bipolar's into trouble.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Doctor day

Well I'm sitting waiting at the doctors for my two year old son who has been sick with a "cold" for over a week now. I'm worried its something more serious but I have a feeling there's not much they are going to be able to do.
Earlier today the kid and I were waiting at my doctors because on Saturday I "threw my back out"...whatever that means.  All I know is its paralyzing where I don't even want to move for fear of the pinching sharp pain to return to my lower back.
We had a big weekend too, which made it even worse that this happened. I hurt myself Saturday morning while we were packing because we were going to drop off my son at my moms for the night while we went to a surprise birthday party for my cousin. Before all that though we drove up to my husbands parents to visit his sister and her clan. Its my husbands nephew and neices birthday this month. So after that we headed down to my moms, then to the party,  and then to my grandmas for the night. The next day everyone gathered at my grandmas for Easter fun. My son was the only kid so he got spoiled.  It was so great to watch him color eggs, find, and then hide them.
My mom was stoked that I agreed she could bring Luke to her church Easter morning because she was going to have him at her house. I didn't think it was fair that she miss her church service just because she was watching him. I told her it was OK because I don't think he could be brainwashed or indoctrinated on just one occasion. But it will most likely not happen again any time soon.
Still waiting at the doctors...hope they can help my little one.

Friday, March 23, 2012


It's been two weeks now since I started my new job.  I only work 3 days a week, but I tell you that is enough for now.

My son is having to adjust to daycare, which he is having some trouble with.  Every morning he has said he doesn't want to go and I have to convince him he'll have fun.  Last friday was the worst though; he threw a full blown fit, kicking and screaming bloody murder and I had to carry him to the car.  It was rough.  I tried asking him if it was someone or something that he didn't like at daycare, but he said no he just didn't want to go.  I think he just needs to adjust.

Just like me going back to work; it's been crazy trying to get back into the flow of things.  I am feeling improvement and I hope they are noticing.  When I was hired we made an agreement of a starting pay rate and after 3 months that would go up; I think in 3 months I will deserve that raise!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Back to the working world

Today, amazingly, I was offered two jobs.  I've been job searching for a couple weeks, had 3 interviews, two of which asked me back for working interviews.  I was lucky enough to be able to choose the one I wanted.

The one I chose was not just because it was offering more money, although that was part of the decision, it was mainly because they send their employees to continuing education seminars and lectures.  Another bonus is they asked me what days I want to work, since I'm going back part time; the other job said they were going to only hire me for fridays and saturdays, I do not want to work every saturday!

I called the daycare my husband and I chose and made arrangements for our son to start next monday.  It is amazing all the changes going on in our lives.  I'm excited and nervous along with so many other emotions.

I wanted to go back just part time so I can adjust going back to work and still spend time with my son while he's young.  Being bipolar there is always a chance any stress that occurs might cause a chemical reaction altering my state of mind.  I also have to be mindful of maintaining my sobriety.  In the past I have used alcohol to deal with stressful situations; I don't want to fall back into that pattern.  At least I have outlets now to express my feelings through this blog and also through the meetings I attend.

Being aware of my diseases and keeping the recovery from them as a priority really helps keep me from slipping into a downward spiral.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Change, do I really want it?

Currently, I am a stay at home mom with a 2 1/2 year old son.  My husband works and brings in a decent income and I recieve disability income while I'm not working due to being bipolar.  The stress of going back to work might derail my stability, which is why social security allows a trial work period.

I am about to use that trial work period, but I need to obtain a job first.  I've had one interview and will have another tommorrow.  I've also submitted my resume to a few other places.  I was so overwhelmed at that first interview; I hope only because I haven't interviewed in almost 4 years and that my future interviews will go better.

Along with having to find a job, we're having to find an affordable daycare for my son.  Since I recieve a monthly income through disability, whatever job I get must make up for that and also cover daycare to make it worth going back to work.  This alone makes me request a minimum salary from any job offer; which does not go over well with some employers.

So far the two daycares we've looked at have not impressed me.  I'm probably expecting too much because I want it to be perfect for him and there's no such thing.  A lot of daycares require him to be fully potty trained and he's not quite there yet.

All of this change is hard for me, but I want it.  I think a part time adjustment period is necessary for both me and my son before we both go full time in a couple years.  It's just so much easier to stay in the comfort zone of what is known, but that would not be good in the long run.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Going back to work

It's been almost 3 years since I've been employed with a company.  I've been working as a stay at home mom and homemaker since I had my son in 2009.  He is now old enough that we feel it's alright for him to start daycare part time.  This means it is time for me to go back to work part time.

There are quite a few emotions that occur when I think about this: excitement, nervousness, satisfaction, self-worth, happiness, and even sadness (for being away from my son for a short while).

I've found quite a few places in my nearby area that I can apply to, 32 to be exact.  I recently passed a test that certified me in my field of study and I have my Bachelors degree as well.  All this makes me confident I can obtain a job, but then there is the doubt that creeps in because I have been out of work so long.  My career involves a lot of technical skills and I know there will be working interviews.

This is one of those turning points in life when changes occur; I'm not good with changes usually, but I think this time I'm ready.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


Last night, we were watching Two and a Half Men and one of the characters, Lindsay, made me realize how grateful I am to be sober.  During the entire episode she was drinking wine and barfing all over the place including her boyfriends mouth when she was kissing him!

It so reminded me of my drinking days, from what I've been told; I never barfed in someones mouth though, I don't think.  I never really saw the full aspect of my drinking because I was wasted and usually blacked out.  It was others around me who saw the disgusting results of drinking too much.

I think if every alcoholic was shown a video of their actions while drunk, it would make them want to stop.  My husband took a photo of me the last time I was passed out drunk and it has haunted me since.

I have 5 months under my belt now and plan to continue to stay sober 'til the day I die!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Can't we all just get along!

I'm reading a book about all the different religions from ancient to current times.  It is amazing how similar they all are.  The majority contain an aspect of good and evil, plus some form of a god or creator.

What I don't understand is why, with all the similarities, have there been so many wars and problems between the different beliefs?  If everyone could understand that people are all just trying to find some form of meaning in their lives whether it be Buddhism or Christianity, maybe there would be more tolerance.

Unfortunately, there are too many holier than thou morons out there who believe their religion is the right one and everyone else is wrong and going to be punished for believing so.

Unless someone goes out of their comfort zone (family beliefs) they will believe whatever they are brought up in according to location.  This alone is proof that there cannot be one ultimate religion.  Each civilization has their own beliefs according to what has been created in that specific region.

With today's society and our ability to travel to different locations, religions now have the means to promote their beliefs to all of the world; so now the religion with the most $$$ can spread the word.  Maybe this is why Christianity has the population majority with over 2 billion followers.  Of course Christianity includes many denominations from Catholic to Mormon; most of which believe the other is wrong!

Like my title says, Can't we all just get along!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Love this cartoon!

Most recently I've been called a devil worshipper.  Really?!?!
From Freedom From Religion Foundation’s Freethought Today.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

There is no afterlife, sorry.

I've been an atheist for several years now; ever since I attempted suicide in 2004 and almost died.  The doctors stated to my family that I actually did die for a few seconds when my brain was not receiving oxygen.  I remember nothing; meaning when I was supposedly dead I remember black and nothing, like I was just asleep without dreaming.  No white light, dead family members, or spiritual awakening occurred in those few seconds.  In fact it was the complete opposite, a spiritual dying.  I realized there is nothing out there.  Our lives are here and now and too many people pass them up dreaming of an afterlife.

Many other people have expressed different stories while they have been "dead".  I believe they are all illusions that their brains have conjured up, such as very elaborate dreams.  Our minds are very complex, so much that all the studies in the world cannot come up with what is going on up there.  Maybe someday we will understand the human brain, but until then one cannot conclude that white lights upon entering death is anything more than mental trickery.

Enjoy your life today, there is no guarantee for the future.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Funeral

My grandpa passed away last night sort of out of the blue.  He seemed to be fine to everyone around him, but he did have several health problems and it's not a complete shock that he died.  I wasn't real close to him and am at peace with his passing since he did live a long full life.

The thing that I am unsure about is wether I want to attend his funeral.  My entire family is christian and the last funeral I went to for my grandma was like being in a church service.  I know it brings them comfort to think about their loved one going to "a better place", it's just that I don't buy into that BS!  It's just so frustrating to see everyone praising god and trying to get people to accept jesus christ into their hearts so that they will go on to heaven if they die (such as my atheist self).  It's just so unfair preying on the vulnerability of those experiencing a loss to try and get them to convert!

Sometimes I wanna just shout out that they are all morons and need to realize that even if there was a god he/she obviously is not a personal god or else there wouldn't be as much suffering as there is in this world.  I want to point out the fact that if people go on to be with their loved ones in an afterlife then how does it work for widows?  Do they end up with their first wife or husband or their second or even their third?  Or do they all of a sudden become a mormon in heaven with two wives or husbands?

I don't know how much longer I can keep my cool in situations such as these church like funerals; this is why I might abstain from going.  If my mom really says she needs me to go I will, but I may have to get a few words in about the absurdity of an afterlife.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Trying to create an SOS group

So I have decided AA is not for me due to the fact that it is so religious oriented.  There is a group called SOS (save ourselves) that has a similar concept to AA only it doesn't require someone to have a higher power.

The problem is there are not as many meetings locally like AA.  I want to start one up in my area, but it is hard to find people to do so.  I am going to drive to Cypress, which is about 20 minutes away for now.  I live in the Torrance, Redondo Beach area of California.  Hopefully through networking I will be able to get a group started up locally so I don't have to drive as far for long.  Until then I will because it is worth the feeling of fitting in.

I enjoyed the AA home group I had, but I just felt uncomfortable every time someone started god talking and when they ended with a prayer.  Anyone trying to get sober shouldn't have to feel that way.  I hope SOS gets large enough so others in my situation can benefit.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Going to attend an SOS meeting

I am really fed up with all the god and religious talk in the AA meeting that I go to.  Luckily, I've been a part of an online atheist AA group and found out from a fellow member about SOS (save ourselves)  There aren't as many meetings as AA has; I'll have to drive a little farther until I can maybe start up my own meeting.

If anyone is interested in going to these meetings visit the website and find one in your area.  Trying to stay sober should not involve changing your religious beliefs.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Taking a Break

I am currently cramming for my RVT (Registered Veterinary Technician) exam that I am taking on Saturday.  My mom is taking care of my son for me until tomorrow afternoon so I have no distractions.  Blogging is currently my break!

I am really excited about hopefully passing this exam and going back to work.  It's been 2 years now since I preformed technician duties by interning at a veterinary emergency hospital and almost 3 years since I was actually employed at a veterinary hospital.  Time sure does fly!

Spending time at home with my son and being a home maker has definitely helped me grow into a better person.  The difference in my son compared to other kids who have not had the attention he's had is extraordinary.  The time has come though, for us both to move on; for him a more children oriented social environment with his peers and for me an outlet that lets me express my talents and love for animals.

Alright, back to studying! ;-)

Monday, January 23, 2012

Rainy Day Thoughts

Living in California we don't get many rainy days.  Even though it is winter time it has been sunny, sunny, sunny; which stinks cuz our mountains have had no snow.

Staying at home with a 2 1/2 year old requires great inventions on a rainy day.  Some of these include; jumping from couch cushion to couch cushion pretending they are lily pads, building with different sets of blocks and train sets, and even downloading different games for our wii.  I have to invent some physical activities to replace the usual park play he gets, so he'll go down for his nap (that way I can take my nap too).

I am taking my RVT exam on saturday so I've been studying like crazy.  Thank goodness my mom is watching my son for me tomorrow night until thursday afternoon; that way I can cram like the old days, pre-child.

It's weird to think that in a couple months our lives are going to change drastically.  I will convert from a stay at home mom to a part-time vet technician.  My son will start daycare and learn some vital social skills.  The best part of the transition is my husband will have to start taking over some house duties.  I can't say he does nothing at the current moment, but I do the majority.

I'm excited for the change, but am nervous as well.  Change is hard for me.  I'll just take it one day at a time!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Family Snowboarding Trip

For the past several years my husband and I have gone on trips to either Tahoe, Mammoth, or Big Bear to go snowboarding with my cousins.  This year we went to Utah.  It was a bit of a drive, but it was so worth it.  We had an awesome cabin for a much lower price and the lift tickets were a lot less expensive also.

This was our 6th year for our trip and it seems like every year more and more people drink alcohol.  The first year it was a smaller group and no one drank, except for my brother who drank by himself (he's fighting with alcoholism also).  The second year more people came, but no one drank; no one drank the third year either.  It was the fourth year when alcohol was introduced.  We were at the grocery store and one of my cousins was talking about a wine she liked and we looked for it.  Of course since we got the wine for the girls we had to buy beer for the guys.  I was fine with it that year and last year, but this year was different because I do not drink anymore.

Before our trip I was starting to worry that I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation from everyone drinking.  What was crazy was when we got to the cabin it was stocked with sparkling cider.  When everyone was drinking I poured some sparkling cider into a wine glass and drank that.  I was fine and it was a lot easier not drinking than I thought.

I hope I can keep up this strength.  So far so good!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Trying to Go with the Flow

As a woman pointed out to me in my AA meeting, that when my alcoholic or bipolar tendencies act up, I need to just go with the flow.

This really hit home because lately I have been fighting very strongly against many things.  As I've been coming out as an alcoholic to people, I have been sharing my atheist beliefs as well.  This has caused much more of a stir in my strong christian family/ friends network, than my alcoholism.  So much that I felt on the defensive at once and decided to fight back.  I wasn't going to let anyone get the best of me and my beliefs!

Well now I've realized that not only was this causing pain to everyone I cared about, it was causing turmoil in myself.  I know what I believe and I know what my family believes, but I don't need to "convert" them so to speak.  I felt that I needed to open their eyes by stating facts that show the bible and christian teachings were bogus.  Of course all this did was get them to retort with their own reasons they believe the way they do.  No matter what I said or did, it wasn't going to change how they believed; just like no matter what they say or do, it won't change how I believe.

It is going to be rough, but I am going to keep my strong opinions to myself unless asked.  At least, I can state them here in my blog in case I really feel the need! ;-)

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Anger and feelings of Guilt, Why?

Every time I talk about being an agnostic/atheist I feel guilty as if I am doing something wrong...that does not seem fair.  The way religion has incorporated itself into our lives is destructive in nature.  Most people in this country are so focused on christianity as the true belief they look down upon those who disagree.  What's hard is most of my family and friends feel that way also.

I was talking to a long time friend of mine the other night and decided to tell her a little about my beliefs.  I've been agnostic for several years, but had never told her.  As soon as I stated, "I don't know if I've told you or not, but I am agnostic", her voice changed to a defensive tone and she said,"what's that?" I tried explaining to her that I don't worship any gods and do not believe there is enough proof that they exist and there is more proof that they do not.  When I finished there was just silence with a hint of disapproval.  Needless to say I steered clear of that subject after that.

Also, when I post any agnostic/atheist statement on Facebook, it gets attacked by my mother and my best friends mother right away.  They don't even really read the post or understand what I am trying to say.  It's as if they look at it blindly just like they look at their religious beliefs and then comment a retort involving but my god is a loving god and blah blah blah.

I'm tired of the slanted view against atheists and people who don't acknowledge statements that go against their beliefs.  Whenever I say or post something, I read and listen to the responses with an open mind.  I am just asking for the same in return!