Friday, December 30, 2011

Messed up Christmas!

This year has got to be one of the worst christmas' yet.  Previously I posted how my husbands side of the family all got the flu so christmas day got postponed 'til tuesday.  That went well, as well as any chaotic family gathering can be.

Then wednesday we hung out with my dad's side of the family and that was great.  Then driving home that night my husband started feeling sick.  We both ended up getting the 24 hour flu and we were up all night.  The next day we were feeling better, we were just tired.

I told my mom we were feeling better and should be able to make it out for christmas on friday (today).  She was worried we were still contagious and my grandma and her basically banned us from coming out!  I was so upset...I understand there is a slight chance that they might catch it from us, but there is also a slight chance that they can catch something from just entering public places; that doesn't turn them into hermits though, does it?

Anyways, now we are trying to figure out how we are going to reschedule our christmas on my moms side.  With my brother's work schedule along with my husband's it is hard to do.  I sorta don't want to do it anymore.  I'm almost tired of christmas and the chaos involved.  It is a great time seeing family, but it can be extremely stressful too.  I see why some people just leave and go on vacation during the holidays.

It's just not side of the family's christmas got screwed up cuz of my husband's side.  If there weren't 10 people living under one roof, the 24 hour flu wouldn't have lasted and transmitted to us almost 2 weeks later!  It pisses me off that my in-laws have allowed their drug abusive daughter live under their roof over and over again.  It's gotten to the point of beyond ridiculousness!  Since there are kids involved I understand the hesitance to kick them out, but come on!  They are not doing anything to improve their lives...they are just going to be moochers forever.

Their harboring has trickled into our lives over and over again.  When is enough, enough!?!?!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas thus far...

Christmas day is usually spent with my husband's side of the family because there are kids on that side; so we were finishing up opening presents with our son when my mother-in-law called and said christmas over there was cancelled due to mostly everyone being sick with the flu.  It was disappointing.  We didn't know what to we called my mom to see what she was up to.  We ended up meeting with her and my stepdad at a Denny's for lunch and then going to a nearby park to play.  It was a weird, but fun christmas day; we didn't have the traditional christmas dinner, but it was still fun and we'll get plenty of traditional dinners this upcoming week.

Since we did not go over to my in-laws yesterday, we are going over there tomorrow.  Supposedly they are better, but who knows.  All I know is I bought us airborne and we are sooo using it.  It's rough going over there to my husband's parents house because there are so many people living in a small house that it is somewhat depressing.

The rest of the week is pretty booked.  Wednesday we are going over to my cousins for my dad's side of the family, thursday we have one of my husband's old coworkers coming over for dinner, and friday we are going to my grandma's for my moms side of the family.  My husband usually saves his vacation time up so he can take the whole week off between christmas and new years, which is pretty cool; it's amazing though how quickly the time gets filled with stuff to do.

My best friend came over last night and stayed most of today.  We got to take her to a play place called scooter's jungle where we love to take our 2 year old son.  It has a bunch of bouncers and huge slides that the kids and adults get to play on.  We had a blast!

Christmas eve we had one of our neighbors over for dinner with her two kids that like to play with our son.  We played games, ate dinner, and exchanged gifts.  That is something I would not do if it weren't for my son and husband.  They are the social butterflies, not I.

So far christmas has been unexpected but good...we'll see how everything goes as the week progresses.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Religious people and their stupid must save you issues!

Right now I am furious!  We just received a christmas card from my husbands cousin out in Minnesota that included a letter of how their family was doing.  I was reading along and everything was fine until I got to the last paragraph.  It explained that the lord jesus died for our sins and we must accept him into our hearts to be saved and blah blah blah!  I understand christians feel the need to share their beliefs to save those poor souls bound for eternal hell, but save it for someone who hasn't heard the story a thousand times!  Really!?!?!

She must know the people who she's sending cards out to; therefore, she must know they are either already christians or people who have chosen other beliefs and are knowledgeable of the christian faith.  Does she really need to embellish on her chosen faith to those who could care less.  It makes me want to send her a letter stating all the facts that go against her ridiculous faith and why she needs to wake up and see reality!  I don't want to cause a rift between my husband and his family, so I most likely will not retaliate, but if it were someone from my family they would be getting a nasty gram!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

90 Days

Yesterday was my 90th day of sobriety...the next meeting I attend will present me with a chip; then I won't get one 'til I reach 6mos.  I'd like to say it is getting easier, but it's not.  In fact for me this is the hardest part.  I could usually go for a couple months without drinking then I would get a craving to binge.  My son really was on my nerves yesterday and I really, really, really wanted a drink.  The only thing that kept me from drinking was knowing that I will be attending my AA meeting and I want to be honest with them in saying I've reached my 90 days.  So in that instance the program works.

I have to attend a Christmas party tonight for my husbands work...there will be plenty of alcohol there to tempt me.  Grrr, arrrgh!  I can get through it...I will immediately ask for a soda and sip that throughout the night instead of wine or any other alcoholic drink.  I'll have my hard candy with me too.  Every alcoholic says this time of year is hard to get through due to all the is true.  At least our family gatherings never have alcohol at them; that would definitely be tempting considering the stress involved with those.

All in all I am thankful for my sobriety and glad that I am a recovered alcoholic.  One day at a time!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Mentally off

Yesterday was so weird.  It felt as if I was manic and tired at the same time; which usually doesn't go hand in hand.  On sundays we usually just sit at home, relax, and enjoy football.  My mind was all over the place and I couldn't do it.  I felt I needed to go and do something.

So I braved the stores; bad idea.  It felt like I was in a fog, but a thousand things were running through my mind; like who do we have left to buy for christmas, I need to spend my kohl's cash cuz it expires today, my son needs different diapers cuz the ones I bought are leaking, I want to make my presents prettier so I need ribbon, and blah blah blah!  All these thoughts were outta control in my wacky head.  On top of that the crowds made it seem worse.  I came home feeling drained.

I think I slept really hard last night because when I woke up I was sore all over.  I felt better a little later, but I hope a day like yesterday doesn't happen again any time soon.

I am worried off days like yesterday might occur more often because I am not drinking anymore.  I hate the problems associated with drinking, but chemically it has aided me over the years.  My medicine is probably going to need to be adjusted; I just need to find a psychiatrist that I can work with.  The last one I saw was a nurse practitioner who was just going off what I told her instead of any knowledge that she had.  Then the psychiatrist before her adjusted my meds and then all of a sudden wasn't covered under my insurance any more.  I had to make some adjustments on my own based on how I was feeling.  I know best on what I feel at any certain time; it just needs to be communicated to someone who knows how to change my medicine accordingly.

Oh why does my mind need to be so confusing!?!?

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Imagine bad things...

I am curious if it is common for people to imagine bad things happening in their lives; or is it rare and I'm seriously morbid.  It's not like I do it often, but sometimes thoughts drift in my head and I continue on with the story instead of dismissing it.

Usually, it involves someone I care about getting into a car accident or killed somehow and I have to deal with it accordingly.  I imagine what I would do, how I would react, and how it would affect my life.  I look at it as a coping mechanism; if at anytime something like this should happen, I would be prepared.  It also could be my subconscious trying to create drama in my now nondramatic life; because my life use to be crazy back when I was not on medication and drinking all the time.  I think television has some contribution to it as well; especially those criminal shows I like to watch.

So tell me, is this rare?  Do others do this too?

Monday, December 12, 2011

Shit hit the fan...

There was a full moon this weekend, so that might explain why there was drama, drama, and a little more drama.  With my husband's side of the family there are always issues; considering there are 10 people and a baby living in a 3 bedroom 1 bath home, that's to be expected.  There were considerably more problems than usual in a time frame of one day.

Firstly, the teenage daughter of my sister-n-law was holding the baby (her niece) and eating a cup of noodles.  She spilled it on her causing 1st and 2nd degree burns and they had to take her to the hospital.   In what world do you eat hot food or beverages while holding an infant!

Secondly, my lovely sister-n-law somehow managed to allow her 8 year old son to break his arm again!  He just got his cast off from the previous break! Come on.  They took him to the hospital and were sent home with medicine that made him sick, so they had to go back to the hospital which diagnosed him with pancreatitis.  This is just one of the many health problems this poor child has had to endure throughout his life.

Thirdly, my in-law's car has been giving them problems and wouldn't start when they were supposed to come over yesterday.  With no other options, my husband decided to drive up and get them and bring them back after.  We both knew they needed to get out of the house with everything going on there.

Lastly, and related to my family this time, my brother announced on Facebook that he was going to get married.  Usually this is exciting news, but my brother has been dealing with alcoholism and is most likely undiagnosed bipolar.  He is avoiding a DUI and has a warrant out for his arrest.  This girl he is supposedly marrying lives up north and they have been friends for 6 years but have never actually dated.   Supposedly, she wanted to move down here with him, but he only would let her if she agreed to marry him.  Damn religion pushes people into shit they just don't need!

What's crazy is all this bullshit surrounds us in our families and it seems we are the only sane ones.  It's enough to drive us insane...oh wait I already am!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The true history behind christmas...

So you hear it every year, christians stating don't forget the true meaning behind christmas.  Well do they really know what they are talking about, because I don't think they do.  There is a long history behind celebrations around this time of year and many religions have jumped on this holiday to claim it as their own, including christians.

Some of the celebrations that took place many years ago include yule in scandinavia, the end of december in europe, the god oden in germany, saturnalia and juvenilia in rome.  If interested a few websites that are about the history of the holidays include...

It irks me when christians state, "don't forget the true meaning of christmas!"  The only reason the christian religion celebrates the birth of jesus on that day is because the early christians chose it to override the pagan celebrations.  So go ahead you christians celebrate the day of your choosing but don't expect us others to acknowledge it as your holiday, because it's not.  It is a jumble of so many beliefs that no one can claim it as their own.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I am not going to be converted!

Why is it whenever I state that I am an atheist people look at me with a sad face and assume I will eventually see the light?  

My current sponsor states she is not Christian and that she uses her higher power as anything more powerful than her, but she still refers to it as a god.  She sent me an email and in it was a quote from Bill W. (The primary founder of AA) stating, "The atheist may stand up in an A.A. meeting still denying the Deity, yet reporting how vastly he has been changed in attitude and outlook. Much experience tells us he will presently change his mind about God, but nobody tells him he must do so."  Grrr it makes me so angry!  They may not tell me to find god, but they assume I will eventually! Really?!!! Mind your own damn business!

How come agnostics and atheists must eventually be converted and see the "truth", but christians or believers don't eventually have to be converted and open their eyes to the facts?

Friday, December 2, 2011

I survived a social event...

It's been over 2 months sober for me now and it seems to be going well.  I don't have cravings to drink as often as I used to, but they still pop up usually when something stressful comes about.  Sometimes when my son is being difficult, and trust me he can be difficult, I want to drink.  Whenever there is a social gathering I sometimes want to drink to calm my nerves.  Although, I never drink the amount to just calm my nerves, I end up drinking the amount to pass out and deaden them.

Last night was a social gathering for my husbands work.  Clients were there, plus colleagues, and children were invited too.  So not only was I responsible for my actions, but I was responsible for my son as well; talk about a stressor.  The event was at 4pm, so of course around 1pm while my son was napping I thought I should have a glass of wine while I am getting ready.  Immediately after that thought crossed my mind, another thought ran through screaming you idiot!  I knew better; I knew what would end up happening if I had that glass of wine.  I would finish the whole damn bottle and be lit by the time we arrived at the gathering.  Then while at the restaurant I would take advantage of the free bar.  By the end of the night I would have done something stupid that I would regret and my husband would be infuriated with me.

I decided I had to do something right away to occupy my mind.  It was too early to put on makeup or do my hair, so I painted my nails and updated my computer (I usually use my husbands because mine is freakin' slow).  After a short while I didn't have that desire to drink anymore.  It is hard to overcome that strong urge to drink, but I think I can do it with the help of others in the meetings, blogging, and through my sponsor.

That's another thing, I finally found a sponsor I truly relate to.  She is bipolar, non-christian, and not pushy.  I announced at my last AA meeting that I needed a sponsor, but to keep in mind I'm an atheist so don't offer to sponsor me if you can't handle that.  I had wanted this woman I have been talking with to sponsor me but I was too scared to ask, so instead I made that announcement to see if she would come to me, and she did.  Yeah!

In the end my husbands work event turned out great, and I feel I did a good job being a supportive wife and mother.  It's a great feeling to know I avoided an alcohol related catastrophe, I think I'll keep it up.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

My hand is a gun...

I don't know if anyone else does this, I'm sure there are some people that do, but I sometimes pretend my hand is a gun and I point it at people to eliminate them from the face of this planet.  I know that's harsh, but at least it is a fake gun, right?

The most common use is when I'm driving; there's usually a retard in front of me driving as slow as molasses.  I pull out my hand gun, point, and shoot.  It makes me feel better anyways.  It would be cool if it really did eliminate them from the road.  Of course in reality if I shot them they would just crash then that would cause further delay.

It's actually not a fake hand gun, more of a hand eliminator; because I'd rather use it to make people disappear.  If I'm waiting in a long line I pretend to pull it out and get rid of everyone in front of me.  I say pretend because if I actually did the action I think I might end up getting a few "your crazy" looks and possibly get kicked out of the store.

Maybe I'm weird, does anyone else do this?

Friday, November 25, 2011

Thanksgiving at my house

In my apartment we held thanksgiving dinner yesterday; we had 10 adults in total, my son, and our great niece who is only a few months old.  It actually turned out perfect.  I was worried it would be too crowded, but it was just right.  We were expecting a couple more, but as mentioned earlier Robert's nephew is in the hospital, so we were minus 2 adults and 2 kids.  As sad as it is, I am glad they didn't come; it would have been too many people.  Also, their children are not disciplined at all, so I would have really lost my mind if they were here.

What's crazy and great at the same time is I was worried that the days leading up to this event were going to cause me some anxiety problems.  Social gatherings in the past have made me freak out and given me the desire to drink; which of course I usually acted upon.  This time however I did not.  I even tried working with my psychiatric nurse practitioner to get anti-anxiety meds just for this situation.  This failed miserably; first off the one she prescribed was not covered under my insurance.  The pharmacy sent a request back for another medicine covered under my insurance, but they could not approve it until my doctor was in.  She is only in the office on saturdays; really?  What doctor only works on saturdays?  What if I had an anxiety attack on wednesday?  So finally on saturday they had her sign a prior authorization to send to my insurance for the medicine she prescribed; I still haven't' heard anything from them.  Good thing I didn't need it.

Blogging has really helped me deal with my emotions so much; I should have done this years ago.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Gotta bitch!

I will never shop at valu+ again!  For one thing their prices were horrible for a supposed warehouse.  Plus the people shopping there were rude as fuck!  I was yelled at by a black woman, sorry a Jamaican woman, because I moved her shopping cart outta my way.  She called me lazy; whatever, you're the fat bitch that left her cart in the middle of the aisle!

The reason I went there in the first place was cuz I saw their diapers were a good price in the ad; when I found them they were a higher price and not even in my sons size!

I had my son with me so instead of yelling back at that psycho woman, I just looked at her with my angry eyes and said ok in a sarcastic voice.  Talk about someone who needs to remove the stick up their ass!

Lastly, to end my bitching, I had to bag my own groceries, a huge pet peeve of mine, in the flimsiest bags ever. 

There, I feel better, sorry you probably feel crappy now.

My Crazy Dreams!

For as long as I can remember I have had the most vivid and realistic dreams.  I don't know if this is due to being bipolar or just having a very inventive mind.  My dreams are so real it's like I have another world I enter into every night; it's great!

I have several reoccurring dreams that are similar in some ways and different in others.  The odd thing is there are a couple different locations that reoccur in my dreams too; like another apartment that we live in.  Sometimes I wake up and look around me and think what happened to our apartment?

I express a lot of my feelings in my dreams, especially anger.  One of the reoccurring locations is the house I grew up in with my mom and brother.  I dream sometimes that we are living there and I get into a fight with my mom and threaten to move out.  I end up packing all my things and leave to move in with my boyfriend (my husband in real life).  This is one of those dreams that is similar but changes from time to time.

What's crazy is over the years I have learned to change my dream as I am dreaming.  If I don't like something that happens I can realize I am dreaming and change it.  What happens a lot now is in the middle of my dream I'll be reminded that I have a son, usually he's in baby form even though he is 2 in real life.  I have to find some way to incorporate him into my dream; either someone is watching him, he's in the other room, or something else that makes sense.

I occasionally have a time travel dream where I go back to when I was a child.  What's weird is when I travel back I get this stretching feeling that I am being twisted around while my feet are planted on the ground; the farther back in time I go the more twisted around I get.  The feeling I get tells me I am not supposed to be traveling back in time, but I do it anyways.  I wonder how much of my dreams are influenced on the way my body is feeling at that time; is my body twisted up when I am dreaming?

I bet dream analyzers would have a blast with my library of crazy dreams; I sure do enjoy them!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

AA topic = Acceptance

I went to a meeting tonight and the discussion was on acceptance.  It is very hard for me to accept things that happen that I cannot change.  I am agnostic so I do not pray like others do to make themselves feel like they have done something; that's one of the things that irks me the most about religious people.

Anyways,  I shared tonight at the meeting about how we had just visited my husbands nephew, who is only 8 years old, at the children's hospital.  The poor kid has been in and out of hospitals his whole life because his selfish mother did drugs while she was pregnant with him.  This is my sister-in-law whom I have grown to love and hate at the same time.  It is not fair that an innocent child has to endure pain and suffering due to the mistakes of another.

How can I accept the fact that our nephew is suffering along with many others in this world.  So far the most we have been able to do is go see him in the hospital and try to brighten his day.  What else can I do?  Sometimes I want to curse out his mother, but that wouldn't ease his pain; although it would make me feel better!  I guess all we can do is be there for him, but that is very hard because it eats away at my soul every time I see him or his family.  The fact that there are thousands of other kids out there worse off than him pains me.

Why is it that so many people can pray to a god that is all powerful and loving, but cannot see the world being deprived of the power and love they pray for?

Monday, November 14, 2011

Blogging on the go...

I am at a McDonalds with my son attempting to wear him out so he'll take a good nap and then I can take a good nap.  Yes I do take naps because keeping up with a toddler 24/7 is tiring!  I dont care what anyone says, I've worked other jobs, being a full time mother and homemaker is the hardest job out there.  Especially when you have a son as stubborn as mine. 

The latest fight has been with him staying in bed for naps and bedtime. It was easy when he was in a crib...I miss those days.

I dont know if it's because I'm bipolar, the meds, or just my tolerance level but sometimes I really lose it.  My husband has to deal with him at night because after all day with him I'm done.

Oh well, they say to enjoy these days because they go by quick; I shall try.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Veterans Day

Today is a day we remember all those who served in the military and fought for our freedom; my husband is one of them.  He served in the army and went to Kuwait.

The hard part for me on this day of remembrance is the memory of my military experience.  I joined the Air Force in February 2004; I was really excited to see the world and make a difference.  By the age of 24, I had tried many paths to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  The military was my escape.

Unaware of my mental disorder I self medicated with alcohol throughout my early 20's.  This became unavailable for me when I entered the Air force and went into basic training.  I survived the 8 weeks of basic and entered tech school.

After a couple days into my tech training I had a huge manic episode.  I don't remember much but my mind was creating all sorts of crazy scenarios and being on an Air force base didn't help with my delusions.  They admitted me into the psych ward; my manic self thought I had supernatural powers and they were trying to evaluate me.  That was when I was diagnosed bipolar.  After a few weeks on medication and confinement I came down off my high and digested what was really dream was being taken away from me.

A medical discharge sent me back home to my parents.  Not knowing anything about my disorder I didn't follow up with a psychiatrist and stopped taking the medication they gave me.  Needless to say I went into a deep depression.  That's when I attempted suicide and almost died.

Even though I am better now 7 years later, it still stings like it was yesterday.  What if I had made it in the Air force?  Where would I be now?  I love my life, but there is always that what if.  The part that hurts the most is the rejection from the military.  Any type of rejection hurts, but this one was big.  I don't tell people that I am a veteran because I don't consider myself one.  On this day though I think about how I could have been.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Just one of those days where I want to kick somebody's ass!

I needed to go to the grocery store this morning so I told my son afterwards we would go to McDonalds so he could play.  We went to one I hadn't gone to before but looked like it had a cool play area.  After getting our yogurt and drinks we headed over to it.  It was closed and some man was cleaning it.  I think my face looked more disappointed than my sons.  I wanted to curse out the manager and tell him to clean the play area at night when no children are going to play in it; not at 10:30 am when toddlers need to expel some energy!!!

I held back my anger and we moved on to a park that I saw was close by.  It was located by a school, but there was a fence dividing the two.  My son was climbing and playing on the jungle gym when some lady yelled, "Mam, mam, you are not supposed to be over there!"  I yelled back," Isn't this a park?"  She said that during school hours no one is allowed to play at the park, not til after 2pm!  Really?!?!  I wanted to yell, scream, jump the fence, and slap her silly!  Instead I apologized and told her I was unaware of that rule.

As my son and I left I saw a sign with park rules and sure enough at the bottom it stated that the park is used by the school exclusively during school hours.

I gave up and took my son home and let him watch one of his favorite shows.

To think I curbed my temper twice within a matter of 1 hour astounds me.  A couple years ago this story would have gone a whole lot different.  I am not sure what has changed my willpower; it must have to be due to my son in some way, plus age makes us wiser right?  Or does my age make me weaker?

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Bah Humbug

My husband and I were just figuring out the holiday season and how much it is going to cost us.  We struggle during all the other months of the year, but the holidays just make it impossible.  I know we could be worse off than we are, but the stress of it still hits us pretty hard.
I thought it would be a good idea to host thanksgiving this year; even though we live in a 1100 sq. ft. apartment.  My reasoning was we could get the holiday over with in one day, instead of having to drive to 2 different locations on different days.
My parents are divorced and the past few thanksgivings we haven't gotten together with my dads side of the family; we do on Christmas though.  So I only have my moms side of the family, which includes my mom, step-dad, brother, and grandma; only 4 people.  My husbands side has a bit more; his sister has produced 4 children with 3 different dads.  There is a 21 year old son who is now in a relationship and has a baby of his own, a 17 year old daughter whom we don't even know will show cuz she's always at her boyfriends, a 7 year old son, and a 2 year old son.  What's sad is our 2 year old gets along better with their 7 year old because he's so far advanced and their children are so far behind.
Let's just say it is going to be one interesting Thanksgiving in our cozy little apartment.  How are we going to all fit?!?!?!
The other question I have is, it's my home so can I get away with not saying grace because we are agnostic?  Everyone who is coming over is Christian.  Is there a way to not pray, but not offend my guests?

Saturday, November 5, 2011

What does a bipolar person look like?

I had an appointment today with a psychiatric nurse practitioner.  She was one of the several psychiatrists/ therapists that have told me that I do not look like I am bipolar.  I am now wondering what is a bipolar person supposed to look like?
I don't really know anyone else who is brother is struggling with the symptoms, but has not been diagnosed.  He looks "normal" to me.
I decided to google "bipolar person" and these images are ones that popped up.

  Their expressions show emotion; maybe because I am stable on meds right now I look non-bipolar.  So tell me, what is a "bipolar person" supposed to look like?

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Idiotic Parents

From what I've seen there are two extremes of parenting...
-the neglectful parent who ignores their child as they pull down everything off the shelves at the store
-and the overprotective parent who won't even let their child go down the slide at the park because there's a speck of dirt on it.
I fall somewhere in between and so do most other parents, but there are those occasional idiots.
The neglectful parents are the ones I really can't stand.  Today I took my son to a play place that has bouncers and slides that adults can play on too; there is one area for bigger kids that has a zip-line.  I make sure my son does not walk in there so he doesn't get kicked in the head.  You would think other parents would do the same.  Of course there was this one mom who watched her daughter walk into the area and instead of going in there to grab her she just called to her.  If your child does not respond and come to you when you first call, go get her you idiot!  I wanted to walk up to her and slap her silly.  In fact there have been several times I've wanted to go up to parents or their children and correct them.
Some people should just not be parents.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

What makes me want to drink?

     I've been sober for over 30 days now and I am to the point where my mind tells me I need a drink.  I've never been one to drink every day.  The cravings usually come up for me about once a month.  I'll feel overwhelmed, anxious, and just in the "need" of a drink.  It's usually some stressor in my life that gives me the excuse to have a drink.
     If it was just one drink, I'd probably be ok; but I can't take just one drink.  I guess that is why I am an alcoholic.  When I set out to drink its to get so far drunk that I don't have to think or deal with anything.  Unfortunately, I usually do something stupid when I'm drunk which gives me more problems than I started with.
     So this is what makes me want to drink,
1.  my son won't go to bed and I am butt tired and do not want to fight with him anymore.
2.  basically any time my son decides to be stubborn and I don't want to deal with him.
3.  I'm going to have to be in a social situation that makes me feel uncomfortable.
4.  I have to hang out with people I know are going to be boring.
5.  other people inflict rudeness and stupidity on me or in my life.
6.  other people around me are drinking and having fun.
7.  I can't go to sleep because my mind is wandering with too many thoughts.
8.  I see wine or beer on sale or displayed on the end caps in the store.

     Of course there are probably a thousand other reasons I have gotten drunk in the past, these are just a few recent ones.  Hope you enjoyed my woes...what are some of the reasons you get drunk?

Sunday, October 30, 2011

New York! New York!

My husband is a financial advisor and occasionally goes on business trips.  He's going on one this week... to New York!  It's so not fair.
Not only is he getting to go to New York, they are putting him up in the Ritz!  C'mon man!  I am sooo jealous.  I've never been to New York.  We live in the LA area so it is pretty expensive to fly out there.
I'm going to be at home with our two year old son for 4 days, while my husband is living it up in New York city.  WTF?!?!
I wanna go so bad, but we can't afford it right now.  With Christmas around the corner we are trying to keep things out of the red.
It's not just that he is going to New York without me;  two years ago, when I was pregnant with our son, he was in a wedding party that took place in Jamaica.  I didn't go because I was pregnant and we were saving money to get a new place for our family.
It seems as if I miss out on all the fun stuff.  I know this is just my outlook on it, but I wanna go somewhere and make him jealous now.  Is that childish of me?

Monday, October 24, 2011

Psychiatric nurse practitioner or Psychiatrist

What's the difference? I wanted to know because my insurance company just scheduled me an appointment with a Psychiatric nurse practitioner instead of a psychiatrist.  So I looked it up in wikipedia :-).  
A nurse practitioner must obtain at least six to ten years of post-secondary education and then complete 600 clinical hours.
A psychiatrist must do at least 8 years then they must practice as a psychiatric resident for another four years.
The odd thing is they can both diagnose and prescribe.  I know most nurses in other practices cannot do that.  I don't see much difference between the two, especially if the nurse practitioner attends 8 years of school as well.  
If anyone knows different please comment.  Thanks.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Football Sunday and Anti-Socialization

I love football Sunday!  Just relaxing at home all day with my family.  Not having to go anywhere or do anything. It plays to my anti-social side.  I've never liked going out and "socializing".  I would prefer to stay at home on a friday night rather than go out to a party.  Especially now that I am not drinking I would definitely rather stay home.
I guess that's why I married someone who is more social than me.  It's not just that he likes to socialize with friends, but he talks to complete strangers also.  One day when he was walking around the neighborhood with our son he saw two boys playing outside with their parents and he just started chatting them up.  Now our son is friends with those two boys and they have play dates, which is nice, but if it were up to me I would have never done that.  Since we've been married I have come out of my shell more, but I do have barriers.
The question I have is, are outgoing personalities something that is learned or something that is genetic?  Because, when I was younger I really was an introvert.  I see my son at the park or a public place and he is usually not the one to go up to other kids...he just does his own thing until someone comes up to him.  I believe he gets that from me.  While my husband is the one to go up to others and his parents are a lot like that also.  My parents, especially my mom, are extroverts and so is my brother.
I think that socializing qualities involve a little bit of both genetics and learned behavior; only because I have become more outgoing over the years, even though I don't really enjoy it.
Who knows...all I know is I really enjoy a quiet day at home every now and then.

How do I make my blog popular?

Ok so maybe I am vain or selfish in the way that I want people to read my blog.  I just want to be popular.  Doesn't everyone.  In real life I don't really care...most of the time.  But now that I am writing about my life I sort of want people to pay attention.  I am an interesting person trust me.
I have bipolar disorder and must be on medication or I turn into a crazy person who either thinks she is a god or wants to end it all.  I can't drink alcohol because it messes with my medication and brings me closer to the wants to end it all side.  I don't believe in god or at least I choose not to worship a god...that's why I call myself agnostic.  I have a pretty cute 2 year old son, a cat, and a great husband.
Well the last part does make me sound a little boring, being a housewife can be exciting though...they make tv shows about it don't they?
So they say I need to post my blog on all these other websites related to blogging...I did.  Now we'll see...

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


There is no great genius without a mixture of madness.

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Finding a home group...

So I attended an AA meeting tonight and I think it might be a place I'd go back to.  The people there were all really different and most were not spouting off god this and jesus that.  Of course there were a few "religious" people, but I'm sure there will always be no matter what home group I choose.

There was one man there who had been sober 23 years as an atheist.  He gave me hope.  I think if I make AA my higher power I can do this sober thing!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

When the past comes back to haunt you...

Ok so mostly every alcoholic has probably had a run in with a DUI...mine was in 2005.  I have put it behind me since it has been 6 years and in another 4 years it will be off my driving record hopefully.

Anyhow, I am currently trying to get approved to take a test to be a registered vet technician in the state of california.  I just received a letter in the mail basically accusing me of lying on my application and that i need to provide them with certified documentation of the court information, any follow up probation information, and blah blah blah of the crime that I committed.  I didn't realize that I had committed a crime and so when it asked on my application I had put no.  I thought a DUI was a traffic violation and did not think to mention it.  Guess I was wrong!

Now they need all this "certified" documentation by next friday! WTF!  I wanna drink...but I know that won't make anything better.   Gotta deal with this.  One day at a time!


Thursday, October 13, 2011

Agnostic bipolar alcoholic

Those three words should not all go together, but they do...that is me.  A total chaotic mess!  Oddly I became agnostic close to around the time I was diagnosed bipolar...I've been an alcoholic since I was a teen...and probably bipolar since then too.

I've been addicted to reading other peoples blogs that somehow relate to me for the past day and a half (I have to be addicted to something right!).  It's amazing what I found.  I've added a few blogs in my blog list section.
Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

My first blog

I think I should tell a bit about myself...besides the fact that I am Bipolar and am an alcoholic.

I am 31 years old and was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when I was in the Air Force at the age of 24.

I have a 2 year old son who challenges me with his stubbornness that he gets from me and his dad.

I recently started attending AA meetings and am discouraged due to the fact that my religious belief has been agnostic for the past several years.

I am currently on medications that help stabilize my disorder, but have struggled with drinking my entire adult life.

I started drinking when I was 17 years old. I believe I was on the manic side most of my life and self medicated with alcohol throughout my early 20s. When I went into the Air Force I did not drink of course because I was in basic training and then tech school. During tech school I had a major manic episode and was hospitalized and eventually discharged.

Once out of the Air Force I stopped taking the medication they put me on and did not follow up with treatment. I drank excessively and eventually was in such a depressive state that I attempted suicide. I almost died. Lets just say that 2004 was one of the years I would like to completely eliminate from my memories.

Thanks for reading this and I would love to hear anyone else's comments and stories!