Almost Made it to a Year

I fucked up!

So last friday I was fired right before I hit my 90 day probation period.  They said my skill level wasn't what they expected and thought I should be farther along than I was after 3 months.  I was crushed.  I knew I wasn't progressing like I expected for myself, but to hear someone else say it was like being punched in the stomach and slapped in the face at the same time.

I left and immediately reverted to my old way of thinking...I want to numb my feelings and not think about it.  I tried calling a couple people, but did not have all the phone numbers I should have programmed in my phone (I do now).  Since no one answered I headed straight to the liquor store and bought a pint of vodka.  I went home and made a drink.  My husband ended up calling me back and told me to do what I was already thinking of doing...dumping the rest of the bottle out.  I did and fortunately did not get wasted like I planned.

I still felt like shit, but at least I didn't get hungover and vomit all over myself like the last time I got drunk.

New sobriety date = 06-09-2012

A Mantra for Myself

I will try to do my best in everything I do.  

I am not perfect and will make mistakes.

No matter what, everything will be ok.

Efficiency

I am about to approach my 90 day probationary period for my new job.  This is the first job I've had since I became pregnant with my son almost 3 years ago.  At my hire date I felt confident that my skills would be up to par by this time, but right now I feel that expectation hasn't been met.

As far as improvement with knowing the computer program and what the doctor wants (I'm a vet technician) there has been some.  But when it comes to my technical skills I feel like I haven't progressed like I wanted.  Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but the doctor I work with doesn't let me do very much when the other technicians are around.  She just wants the job done quickly.  How am I supposed to get efficient at anything if I don't get the experience!?!?!?!

Today I just wanted to take off on my lunch break and not come back.  There is this camaraderie between the doctor and employees because she's worked with them so long.  There is a point I hope will come where I feel a part of it, but I thought I would be there by now.  I am only part time so maybe it will take a bit longer to establish it.  All I know is I have to try not to be too hard on myself like I've done in the past.  Lighten up and remember it's just a job.

The Dentist

The last time I went to the dentist was when I was pregnant with my son three years ago.  Three weeks ago I went for a checkup.  They recommended $1400 worth of work and that's the part my insurance doesn't cover.  Ha! It's ridiculous, but I did it because if I wait my teeth could get worse and more expensive.

So last week I had my right side done and today my left side.  A total of 10 fillings, a cleaning, antibiotic packing, and irrigation (whatever that is) and I am fixed.  It was so awkward sitting there while the dentist and technician worked on my mouth.  I forget to hold my mouth open after a while and they have to remind me.  They have this suction thing that stays in and hooks on the side of my mouth, along with the one the technician is holding.  Then there's the drill! Arrgh, I hate it!

I get to go back in 6 months, I can't wait.

Surviving

Well I decided to alter my antidepressant so I am taking a lower dose every other day.  I just started last Saturday, but the past couple days I have been extremely tired.  I think it is because I caught a bug or something because it is too soon for the medication adjustment to be kicking in; plus I am not experiencing any other signs of depression.  Who knows?

I hate being this tired though; I've been going to bed right around the time my 2 year old son does.  The only reason I am awake right now is because when my husband got home I took a nap!  I've always loved to sleep because my dreams are always so intense.

Well off to bed I go!  Everyone sleep tight!

http://nationaldayofreason.org/

Mania or just a joy for life?

I recently went back to work after 2 1/2 years of staying at home with my son.  It is giving me a new sense of pride and satisfaction I haven't felt in a long time.

Being bipolar, I am constantly keeping my feelings and emotions in check.  If they get out of control it can send me on a downward spiral like it has in the past.

The problem recently is I've been on a high; being able to take care of numerous things quicker than normal, occasionally having a hard time falling asleep, and having a sense of overall positive attitude no matter what.  I've also been inpatient with my son more than usual, but that could be because he's in his terrible twos.

One of the medications I'm on is an anti-depressant that my doctor put me on several years ago because I was in a deep depression.  Over the years I have lowered the strength that I've been on.  My most recent psychiatrist noted that he would like to take me off it completely; in fact he lowered my dosage on the anti-depressant and upped my mood stabilizer.  A couple weeks after that, I noticed I was feeling signs of depression.  I decided to go back up to the strength of antidepressant I was on.  My reasoning behind adjusting my own meds is that I know my emotions best and can judge whether I am needing an adjustment or not.

Which brings me to my question...are my feelings of elation due to the new change in my life? And if so, should I lower my antidepressant to alter it.  It's nice being on somewhat of a high, but that is what leads us bipolar's into trouble.

Doctor day

Well I'm sitting waiting at the doctors for my two year old son who has been sick with a "cold" for over a week now. I'm worried its something more serious but I have a feeling there's not much they are going to be able to do.
Earlier today the kid and I were waiting at my doctors because on Saturday I "threw my back out"...whatever that means.  All I know is its paralyzing where I don't even want to move for fear of the pinching sharp pain to return to my lower back.
We had a big weekend too, which made it even worse that this happened. I hurt myself Saturday morning while we were packing because we were going to drop off my son at my moms for the night while we went to a surprise birthday party for my cousin. Before all that though we drove up to my husbands parents to visit his sister and her clan. Its my husbands nephew and neices birthday this month. So after that we headed down to my moms, then to the party,  and then to my grandmas for the night. The next day everyone gathered at my grandmas for Easter fun. My son was the only kid so he got spoiled.  It was so great to watch him color eggs, find, and then hide them.
My mom was stoked that I agreed she could bring Luke to her church Easter morning because she was going to have him at her house. I didn't think it was fair that she miss her church service just because she was watching him. I told her it was OK because I don't think he could be brainwashed or indoctrinated on just one occasion. But it will most likely not happen again any time soon.
Still waiting at the doctors...hope they can help my little one.